chey being

Seeing what's inside again.

Married. Divorced. Re-married. Divorced?

13 Comments

Married.  Divorced.  Re-married.  Divorced?  Is that the next chapter in my life?  The new check-box that will define me on a personal history form?  Really?  I call BS!  This is not what I had planned.  This was supposed to be the LAST time. Ya know….like grow old together and walk off into the sunset.  I must be completely insane  to even think about this or maybe the insanity lies in staying in a relationship that isn’t working.  Some days I am totally furious with the universe and some days I feel like someone has finally turned on the lights.   I flow in and out of these moments like the ocean waves and I’m starting to get sea sick.

When I divorced years ago, I had a plan.  I wanted to date.  To date…a lot!  No, no, no, not other people, MYSELF!  I wanted to learn about myself.  Who was I?  Who did I want to be?  What do I want?  What don’t I want?  I have to say, I had a lot of fun dates!  If I were to write a rule book on what NOT to do after a divorce, it would be:  Rule #1  Do Not Date Other People.  After divorce, no matter whose decision, we are reeling from so many emotions, hurt, anger, guilt…ugh!  How can we possibly be good for anyone else?  Don’t do it!  Save yourself!  Sorry, I’m getting off topic.  I had refused to go through the process of dating to find the next “one.”  So, I firmly believed that the next person I was to marry was going to come along into my life when I was ready, and things were going to fall naturally into place.

And so they did.

Exactly as I had envisioned.

Until now.

I don’t think life was done teaching me lessons and I don’t think life appreciated me getting off my desired path. Some (such as my ex-husband) may think that because a marriage didn’t last until death do us part, that it was a mistake.  I wholeheartedly disagree with this opinion.  I would not change a thing.  I have grown so much as a person and, along with the heartache, I have had a lot of good times.  Perhaps, this is what I needed.  I wish I would have taken the easier road at times, but I am still learning to read the signs.

Some days I feel I can not possibly endure the process again.  It took EVERYTHING I had to go through a divorce the first time.  How can the universe expect me to survive another?  That’s like surviving being lost at sea…twice!  I do believe however, that I have created this mess and there is a strange peace in knowing that.  I am learning to let life unfold while keeping my eye on the final destination, because life will get us there, just not always the way we plan.

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13 thoughts on “Married. Divorced. Re-married. Divorced?

  1. I have a feeling that I am really gonna like your blog! Thanks for following mine!

  2. I am so hooked to your blog. You describe feelings that I have, questions that I ask myself and just generally, I think you have a kind of honesty and grace that is so hard to find in the world. I’m a fan for life, no judgement, no advice, just a fellow passenger on this crazy and chaotic journey.

    • If you were looking to make someone’s day, I would say you have succeeded by far! Thank you so much for all your comments and support!! It makes me very happy to connect with fellow kindred spirits! I remember thinking yesterday when I read your reward response that you were one cool chic! I knew I was right 😉 I look forward to sharing our journey’s!

  3. I’m a divorcee getting married to this guy who has been divorced twice and has a little girl from his second marriage. I understand your doubts, but I’ll have you know this: when you’re going through stuff you don’t know where life’s leading you, but in the end, it always gets better. Always. Have hope. Love, Anawn.

    • You are right, it always does get better. I do know this for a fact as it has always been true in my life. I’m just not ready to take another leap…yet. Thanks for the follow! I can’t wait to read your blog as well..as soon as I figure out this F*&$(& facebook stuff 🙂

  4. I am so glad that I found your blog. Thank you for boldly sharing your story.

  5. I’m enjoying this blog from the first encounter
    I’m in my 3rd marriage and was contemplating my 4th until I paused to see if there could be a resurrection in this present one which seemed to just die on the vine. There are signs it might come back to life if we’re both willing to allow it to happen.

    I’m 71 and have lived to see that each of my marriages have been perfect in getting me to where I am today. The most tangible gifts are my three amazing daughters who enrich my life more and more. My girls are gifts from no name…….some call her God.

    My marriages are some of my best, if not the best lessons of this trip to the planet. I thank no name for allowing me to choose them,or did they choose me. Maybe we chose each other.

    • Ok I’m in love with words

    • I agree with your concept and struggle with it all at the same time. I’ve hurt people when I knew I had to move on and that is difficult. I can’t be responsible for how others “react” yet it doesn’t make hurting them any easier. I wish people did not form such strong attachments. That is my biggest annoyance, if you will. I don’t want to be anyone’s end all, be all nor do I want to feel that way about anyone else. There are few who can accept what is in a relationship and learn from it.
      Thanks again for being here 🙂

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