Married. Divorced. Re-married. Divorced? Is that the next chapter in my life? The new check-box that will define me on a personal history form? Really? I call BS! This is not what I had planned. This was supposed to be the LAST time. Ya know….like grow old together and walk off into the sunset. I must be completely insane to even think about this or maybe the insanity lies in staying in a relationship that isn’t working. Some days I am totally furious with the universe and some days I feel like someone has finally turned on the lights. I flow in and out of these moments like the ocean waves and I’m starting to get sea sick.
When I divorced years ago, I had a plan. I wanted to date. To date…a lot! No, no, no, not other people, MYSELF! I wanted to learn about myself. Who was I? Who did I want to be? What do I want? What don’t I want? I have to say, I had a lot of fun dates! If I were to write a rule book on what NOT to do after a divorce, it would be: Rule #1 Do Not Date Other People. After divorce, no matter whose decision, we are reeling from so many emotions, hurt, anger, guilt…ugh! How can we possibly be good for anyone else? Don’t do it! Save yourself! Sorry, I’m getting off topic. I had refused to go through the process of dating to find the next “one.” So, I firmly believed that the next person I was to marry was going to come along into my life when I was ready, and things were going to fall naturally into place.
And so they did.
Exactly as I had envisioned.
I don’t think life was done teaching me lessons and I don’t think life appreciated me getting off my desired path. Some (such as my ex-husband) may think that because a marriage didn’t last until death do us part, that it was a mistake. I wholeheartedly disagree with this opinion. I would not change a thing. I have grown so much as a person and, along with the heartache, I have had a lot of good times. Perhaps, this is what I needed. I wish I would have taken the easier road at times, but I am still learning to read the signs.
Some days I feel I can not possibly endure the process again. It took EVERYTHING I had to go through a divorce the first time. How can the universe expect me to survive another? That’s like surviving being lost at sea…twice! I do believe however, that I have created this mess and there is a strange peace in knowing that. I am learning to let life unfold while keeping my eye on the final destination, because life will get us there, just not always the way we plan.