I don’t even recall what started our last argument. I do recall that it quickly progressed to my husband packing his bags. Which, by the way, still sit in the corner of the bedroom where they were tossed in exasperation. They are still there because he is too lazy to put them away, not because he means to actually leave. While we were squaring off in our bedroom, with his bags in hand, he said to me, “I have more stuff. I don’t want to leave because you will lock me out and I won’t be able to get my stuff.” Did he really think that of me? The same person that has whined about how my ex-husband refuses to be friends with me?
Now, that I have had time to reflect and am not in the heat of the moment, I realize he was just saying this because he didn’t really want to leave. As I have said, he will never leave without being pushed, kicking and screaming. I did have to wonder, if we divorced, would this time around be different. Would he at least try to be friends with me? The day after our argument, I brought up the subject at lunch. Note to self: Do NOT talk about stuff like this at lunch, it just ruins a good meal. I told him that if we do divorce, that I did not want it to happen during an argument. We have businesses together and will probably have to continue to work together. I want this to be a conscious, clear-minded decision.
The next day, he told me he needed to talk. He had laid out a “divorce plan.” And indeed he did. He had it all worked out very civil like. I really had no response. I agreed. In theory it was a lovely and fair plan. The problem is, would he actually follow it? He says so many horrible things when he is angry. I never know what to believe. He also says a lot of things when he is not angry that he never lives up to. Over time, I’m learning to just be an observer. So many times in this marriage, I have wondered if I was in a Twilight Zone episode. I don’t try to understand anymore. I don’t let myself care anymore. I am enjoying being the observer now. I no longer take things personally.
We have come to talk about divorce more than we do “saving” our marriage. I don’t know anymore if that’s good or bad. In some ways, it is like a slow death and I am afraid of becoming comfortable here. Maybe this is how it needs to play out. Everything dies eventually, right?