chey being

For my untempered heart


How Coffee Became a Morning Addiction (A creation myth.)

Joe works for the CIA.  He works in a cubicle with hundreds of other neckties.  They work the daily shuffle of papers, the usual spying on foreign leaders, and currently, the Watergate mess that was about to embarrass the lot of them.  These men started early and stayed late.  There was little time for sleep between work and mowing the lawn.  And forget about those pesky wives, and peskier children.  No time for that non-sense with the director down their throats.

The director was growing weary of hounding his men.  The new 10 minute breaks at the water cooler were doing little to sustain energy.  As he was getting a blood pressure check at the onsite medical office, he decided to ask the doctor if he had any advice on how to keep the energy up for his men.  The doctor asked the director if his men where eating a balanced diet, receiving proper care and attention from their wives, and getting enough sleep.  The director did not know the answer to these questions, but he was sure to make it happen.  He left the docs office feeling confident that his men would be in tip-top shape within a week.

As soon as the director got back to his office he dictated a memo to his secretary as follows:

To the wives of all CIA employees,

Being a CIA agent is a very demanding job.  We require a high amount of intelligence at all times.  This can be very stressful on our men; therefore, we are asking for your help.  Wives have the highest honor in taking care of our fine men.  In order for them to perform at their highest level, they require a hardy, well-balanced meal, three times a day.  They must also be allowed to rest and decompress when they come home from a hard days work.  Please keep children quiet during this time.  Offering your husband compassion and complements about his hard work will surely help sustain him though his day.  We here, at the CIA, thank you for servicing our men in all capacities.  It is your patriotic duty.  Be proud.  Be American.


Very Important, Person

Surprisingly, a week later, the director saw no change in his men.  He began pacing his office with a furrowed brow, wondering how he was going to solve this very serious problem.  These were good men but they were beginning to look like zombies.   The agency’s reputation was under attack by its very own country.  It was more important than ever to keep his overworked staff on high alert.  Just then the phone rang.

“Important, how can I help you,” he said.  It was his informant in Mexico.  Top Secret was talking so fast that the director could hardly keep up.  He asked Mr. Secret if he could slow down.  Mr. Secret agreed but began to repeat the information at the same speed.  Mr. Important grew frustrated and asked Top why he was talking so fast.  The informant apologized profusely and told Mr. Secret that it must be the coffee.  Apparently, while infiltrating the Mexican government, the informant became addicted to the stuff.   At the end of the call, Mr. Important commended the man for his service and the sacrifices he had taken to keep his identity safe.

After hanging up with Mr. Secret, the director’s wheels were spinning.  Could this be the answer he was looking for?  He decided to test this theory on his top guy, Joe.  After waiting a week for the supply from Mexico, he told Joe that his country was in need of his service more than ever.  He told him that the government was testing a new drink that could increase productivity by 50%.  Joe, of course, agreed without hesitation.

A week later and the results were amazing.  The director could not believe the increase in alertness and productivity in Joe and soon began offering free coffee to everyone in the office  Coffee needed to come to America.  Mr. Important contacted the President and told him of his discovery.   He expressed the need to bring coffee into all government agencies as a start.  The director knew this could become huge across the entire country.  The President agreed and let Mr. Secret begin the process of importing coffee in large quantities.  The director was so excited after the call that he immediately contacted his good friend, Iam Starbucks, who knew a thing or two about importing.  This was going to be big, he thought.

A week later, Joe noticed he was beginning to lag a bit after lunch.  He had just read something about this new soda pop drink.  He made a mental note to talk to the director about this.


**If you’re wondering why I wrote this silly mess, honestly, I am too.   I do not know what portion of my brain, if any, this came from because it is so not like my usual writing!  If you are one of my regular followers and actually made it to this part, I apologize!  And have no fear, this was a momentary blip on the radar.  This was my response to this week’s writing challenge:  “Are you ready to spin a good origin tale?  This week, we ask you to invent (or reinvent) a creation myth.”  I have to say though, it was fun to go a bit off kilter. 🙂

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Forever here.

The current Weekly Challenge is song writing or re-writing of an existing song.   So here’s my version of Shelter From the Storm by Bob Dylan.

Starring so long in shadows with my now sightless eyes
What became of me is now hidden in the mountain of lies
Twisted and contorted wrapped within my fear
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

I walk between two lines my soul seeming divided
Shamed and bloody with this mask I hide it
What have I done for they are all that is dear
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

I close my eyes and wait for the guiding light
It never never comes, it grows weary of my plight
Spitting what is worse I can not look in the mirror
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

I made a lost wish on a dream of a glowing star
Walking aimless away, I could never go that far
Forgotten my wish, nothing left but black fear
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

Inhaling and exhaling the breeze brushing through my hair
Quiet soft moments often linger with a pleasing dare
Always a coward of sorts, I can only sit and leer
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

The star long forgotten, my wish knocked at my door
She loved me like angels and lifted me from the floor
With nothing left to spare she would finally appear
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

As deserving as Mary I was hopeless and scared to see
Born with a sacred gift and yet feeling no love for me
But for rivers and streams, I could be all you hold dear
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

No matter now I walk the winding trail happily alone
The stars shine bright and guide me down the path shown
A gladiator from long ago I walk with only my bloody spear
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

I want all you forgotten, I want to begin with a clean slate
Suffering was swept out to sea with all who came to hate
They are now lost to me but I dare not shed a tear
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

Nothing seems real when my happiness flows with the tides
I am revived in this long journey but still wait to die
Show me my love the path once more, I know you are near
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”


Check out these other “remixes”…

  1. I’m a Writer, Yes I Am
  2. “Whine Like a Beagle”
  3. Bumblepuppies
  4. Edward Snowden Insults My Intelligence
  5. Suzie81 Speaks
  6. Me Grandfather’s Clock.
  7. Mad Meandering Me
  8. Weekly Writing Challenge: To the Tune of…
  9. Jackie’s Travels
  10. Shit
  11. A beetle with earrings
  12. Is there something on the road?
  13. New Teacher Life
  14. because I teach it
  15. eastelmhurst.a.go.go
  16. do you want to use some secret?
  17. Haiverer
  18. To the Tune Of…
  19. Among the Whispers
  20. Happy
  21. Deep in the Heart of Textiles
  22. From the Top!
  24. Weekly Writing Challenge: To the tune of …
  25. Meaningful Mommy
  26. New Words to an Old Song (Bingo personalized)
  27. Ditch the Bun
  28. “Man! I Feel Like A Tooheys!”
  29. I don’t want to exist. I want to live.
  30. The Insomniac Song (to the tune of “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”)
  31. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  32. Smokey’s woofing happy blues?
  33. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  34. What’s Up Pussycat?
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  36. What a fool believes
  37. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  38. New weekly Challenge
  39. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  40. Awesome Kitty Strikes again!
  41. Spank !
  42. Fat Bottomed Girl
  43. A Maniac’s Menagerie of Motley Thoughts
  44. Tik Tok, Harry Potter…
  45. asnappshot
  46. weekly Writing Challenge: Jack and Jill the whole story
  47. Creo Somnium
  48. The Jealous Dog song
  49. Moondustwriter’s Blog
  50. To the Tune of…. #dpchallenge #poetry #lyrics
  51. Jesus, Beer, and My Tiny Kitchen
  52. Brother’s Gaga
  53. Once Upon Your Prime. . .
  54. A Parody with Pecularity and a Little Familiarity!
  55. marsowords
  56. A commuter’s lyric of favorite things
  57. SoundEagle
  58. SoundEagle’s Poetry with Enigma’s Goodbye Milky Way
  59. The Days and Nights of KashmirGirl1976
  60. At Last Parody (in the key of aspiring/new writers)
  61. marsowords
  62. A Mirror’s “I Feel Pretty” Turn Around Reflection
  63. Midlife Crisis Crossover
  64. “Breakfast Supper Nights”: a Tribute to EXTRA Breakfast for Dinner
  65. A Moaner’s Parody of “Let it Go”
  66. “Long Ago”
  67. Drew Llew’s Views
  68. Mermaid’s tresses
  69. Our national delicacy
  70. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  71. Follow my Lead
  72. Glorious Results Of A Misspent Youth
  73. Cheap (Parody of Radiohead’s Creep)
  74. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  75. Start spreading the News
  76. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  77. Let sleeping storms lie
  78. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  79. You’re a Star
  80. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  81. Inspiration
  82. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  83. When Shadows come a creeping
  84. Musings of a Soul Eclectic
  85. All She Wants To Do Is Work
  86. Bumblepuppies
  87. Cats Insult My Intelligence
  89. Do not clap along!


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Calm in the midst of storms

Calm is not a word that most people would use to describe me.  When problems arise, or what I perceive as a problem, I get agitated.  Degree of agitation is dependent upon the imposed degree of the problem.  Reasons for my agitation would most likely be that I don’t like things messy.  I like to have control (ding ding, Type A).  I don’t like being side-tracked by an issue that now needs my attention.  And mostly because I worry.  A lot.  I am an excitable person about everything, not just problems.  So on the good side, I would squeal and do a happy dance for something as little as my husband actually going on a bike ride with me.

The good side I like, that bad side, not so much.  It is something I have been working on for years and have actually made some progress on; however, for the last two weeks I have been quite zen like in the face of problems…

The beginning started with a doozy.  The simmering volcano that was my marriage, finally erupted.  I did it.  I said the words, “I want a divorce.”  I wasn’t scared.  I felt only peace and the lightness from the burden that was no longer there.  I didn’t have any fight or care left in me.  I knew without a doubt that this was it for me.  I should have been worried.  Financially, I really should have been worried.  But I wasn’t.  I had faith.  I knew it would all work out no matter what.  I was calm.

Then came the pleading, begging, and crying.  Two days later, I could only take so much and I cracked under the pressure.  I made ultimatums.  He made promises.  I don’t know if it will last, but everything is different.  It is better than I can ever remember it.  It’s sad that it had to come to this.  It’s sad that we both had to suffer for so long.  The hardest part was actually going back on what I knew was right for me, getting a divorce.  I felt that I had betrayed myself.  I didn’t trust that he would change, but I allowed myself to give it time.  I allowed myself to breath and be calm.  I gave myself permission to try again one last time.

Doozy #2.  It was late Monday evening and because I can never sit still for long, I got up to grab something.  I went down a step, my foot twisted at the ankle, I heard an awful snap, crackle, pop, and I went down screaming.  Right before my eyes flashed my career for how ever long it would take me to re-coupe.  I had just finished my Pilates Barre certification and will be testing out soon for my Mat cert and now I can’t even walk.  I was raring to go and finally get a job!  I need and want to work.  And now I am reduced to a couch potato.  What can I do?  Maybe the universe is telling me to slow down.  Maybe the universe is telling me to sit down and write.  Maybe the universe is telling me that I suck at Pilates…Nah!  Whatever it is, this ex-mover and shaker is actually calm.

Doozy #3.  There is a thief among us.  A day later, my husband came home from work in hysterics.  Apparently, some items had been stolen at a warehouse in which we operate a business.  It could be our new employee.  It could be the other company’s employees that share the space.  No one trusts anyone.  (What happened to the good ole days where you didn’t have to lock shit up?)  My husband’s crazy eyes were caused by the thought of having to let go of our new employee whom he felt was irreplaceable.  First of all, no one is irreplaceable.  My husband also thought that I was going to have a fit because I tell him all the time that he is too trusting.  He relayed the story to me like a teenager trying to tell his parents that he wrecked the car.  I listened with the calmness of…an angel?  Buddha?  The sea?  A stoned hippie?  Well, I think I’ve made my point…I was freakin’ calm.  I was so calm in fact, that after relaying my thoughts and solutions to the matter, my calmness had transferred unto my husband who now looked like he needed a nap.

The most important question here is, how has this happened?  Actually, more importantly, how can I get me some more!  Maybe it was the 21 Day Mantra I had signed up for.  (Just between us, I only completed 6 days.)  Maybe I had reached some internal breaking point and just decided to let go and let live.  I think the change in my marriage has had a huge impact.  I am less stressed.  I don’t feel like I’m walking on egg shells.  I know that I won’t go back to the drama, so I have a peace knowing that I am strong enough to walk away if necessary.  It is really awesome being calm in a crisis.  I just want to skip around the room whoopin’ and hollerin’!


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Could the real me, please stand up?

How was it going to go this time?  Was he going to look away the entire time again?  Was his attorney going to be a complete ass again?

I had been uptight all day knowing that we would have to meet again in court.  It had been four years since my ex, his attorney, and myself had been together in the House of Horrors (aka Court House).  We were not there because of anything we had started so I had not anticipated a confrontational meeting, but I certainly expected it to be a tense reunion.  Sadly, one of my other thoughts that morning was of my appearance.  My insecurities come out, or the girl in me comes out, or a bit of both, and I feared these two people, neither of which I really care for, would perceive me as ugly, older than I am, and/or overweight.  I know the ridiculousness in this.  I am not unaware.  But that knowing doesn’t seem to change how I think or feel and well, that is fodder for another post.

This was the first “me,” the insecure one, that walked into the referee’s waiting room; a room that can only be filled with the baddest of juju.  Gratefully, I saw that only his attorney was present.  Very unexpectedly, he greeted me with great warmth.  I was a bit thrown off but steadied myself as I waited to see where this was going.  He proceeded to ramble on about how good I looked and how he was not afraid to say it.  That was when the non-trusting me came out.  Was this guy for real?  He was the biggest jerk to me in the past when we were trying to settle some issues.  Was he charming me?  Why was he charming me?  What was I missing?  Questions were doing flybys in my brain a mile a minute.  This is a place to be our professional selves, but he was making this into a backyard Bar-B-Q.

I regained composure.

The insecure girl that had walked into that place took a back seat.  The non-trusting me had now manned all entrances and made way for the tough and strong me to take charge.  After the attorney thought he had successfully warmed me up, he began a series of personal questions to see what he could find and perhaps use to his benefit (my interpretation, of course).  I tried to be very careful in what I offered but then that damn nice part of me didn’t want to be rude and the naive part of me wanted to think he was just being nice.  The insecure part of me reared her ugly head too.  She wanted to say all the right things so he would like me.  The tough me would still not be bullied, but it wasn’t only the attorney sitting next to me that I had to fight.

I was relieved my ex never showed.  All the other me’s got the day off.

As I sat in the waiting area, I did not like how I was being pulled into a casual conversation.  This was a serious place, where serious decisions were made.  I was not this guy’s friend.  I wanted to be professional.  Once we were called into the referee’s chambers, it was all business and easier to maintain my professional self, at least for me and the judge.  The attorney was still complimenting me, in front of the woman judge, but it was easier to ignore him with the judge in front of me.

When I put into words all the versions of me that dual it out in my head, it is exhausting.  And confusing.  And I sound like a mental patient (no offense mental patients).  However, in writing out this mess, I have really become aware of how quickly I transition through personalities, or emotions really.  I’ve always known that I run a pretty full spectrum of me’s…think the Meredith Brooks song, Bitch.  Although bitch would not be at the top of the list (no, really), the point is that I am many things.  What has really surprised me is how many me’s I run through in any given moment.

How can I trust myself?

This writing challenge is about the different “you’s” colliding, ie the friends you, the mom you, the stranger you.  I am unsure that I have interpreted this correctly.  I suppose I should think about this more on the surface, such as, I cuss like a sailor in front of my friends only; however, when I think about the different me’s, I can’t help but think more about the drama that goes on in my mind rather than my outward mannerisms.   All these me’s are just really my emotions and ego running my brain.  I really need to learn to take control and trust in the real me.  I suppose self-awareness is a good step in the right direction.  Do you find yourself having a wrestling match in your brain?


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Check these other post from this week’s challenge:




Resurrecting the stay-at-home mom? (A Lost Art, Writing Challenge)

My son had an interesting day at school yesterday.  He told me he learned that marriages have a higher percentage of being happy when the woman stays at home and the man goes to work.  They are happier because they each have defined roles and this causes less arguing.   Having a defined person in charge (the man), creates less friction.  When both, the husband and the wife, want to be in charge, they fight over whose way is better.  Their roles are more confusing and this creates more friction.  A marriage is more peaceful when the man is in charge and the women follows his lead.

No, we do not live in a cabin in the mountains, or in a city with a population of 112.

He also added that the teacher asked the class what their parents fight most about and they concluded that the majority of fights were over “stupid pointless stuff.”  I asked my son what he took away from this class discussion.  He told me that he agreed that it is better when a man is in charge and the woman takes on a more subservient role (yes, he used the word subservient).  He feels this will create a more peaceful home life.

This could explain why my son has dated half the 10th grade class and is currently single.

My initial knee-jerk reaction was, WTF?  However, much to my surprise, I remained calm.  I know my son and he is very opinionated; once he has formed an opinion, it is unlikely to change based on anything I have to say.  Any parent will probably tell you that children much prefer to take on the opinions of complete strangers over their parents.  It is in a child’s nature to go rogue, but when they reach adulthood, they will most likely fall back on becoming just like their parents (for better or for worse).   It is also not surprising coming from my son because he does not like loud spaces, distractions, or people arguing.   So, if he feels this “way of life” would cause less fighting in a relationship, than that is the opinion he will agree with.  I did offer some arguments against his new found way of life, but after a brief discussion, I decided to drop it.  I wasn’t quite sure where I stood.  I am a very strong woman and it goes against all I am to agree with these role arrangements (even though I was a stay-at-home mom by choice).   But I could not argue with these facts (as regurgitated by a 17 year old mind you).  Unless I had a better alternative, I did not feel I should continue talking with him on the subject.

Is being a subservient stay-at-home mom a skill women have forgone?  Does this mean that women need to stop progressing or pursuing their own dreams in order to have happy marriages?  Is it really possible to have it all?

Thankfully, there is no going back.  Men and women are changing and evolving.  Progress?  I don’t know if I would use that word because progress seems to imply something as right and who is to say what is “right.”  It is simply different now, than it was before; however, every change has an effect.  Women going into the work force more and more have a huge effect on marriages, raising children, what our children eat, where our children spend their day, who they spend it with, and the lifestyle afforded to the family, just to name a few.

So what do we do with this information?

Maybe there is something to be learned here.  Can responsibilities and roles still be defined when both parents work?  Is it really that simple?  Doubtful, but hopeful.  We are thrown into parenthood so quickly.  There is no test run.  There is no 9 to 5 baby, Monday through Fridays.  That child is there, instantly, all…the…time!  A parent’s survival mode kicks in whether it is a good move or not.  Imagine you are dying of thirst.  You have been walking for days without as much as a drop of water.  You finally come across a river.  A dirty river.  You know it’s contaminated with God knows what parasites and all.  Do you drink?  Hell yes!  You have to in order to survive!  That’s what we do as parents and I think it creates bad habits within marriages.  Having defined roles could make things smoother, maybe creating less resentment and fighting.

Yeah, yeah, I know…in a perfect world.

Photo Credit:

Check out other responses to A Lost Art:

  1. I’m a Writer, Yes I am
  2. The WordPress C(h)ronicle
  3. Mostly True Stories…
  4. Bumblepuppies
  5. LoveLaughLiv
  6. Butterfly Mind
  7. Neverstationary
  8. Lekhikaa’s diary
  9. Loyal muse
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Who would you be if?

With human contact, comes human stories.  Between personal friends and posts made here, I have listened to and read about some difficult journeys in regards to relationships over the last few months.  Some are right-smack in the middle of it.  Some are in the bitter or angry stage.  For some, time has dulled the pain but a gaping hole still remains.  And some have made it through to the other side stronger than ever before.   I have been hyper-aware to the many stories, probably because of my own personal struggles (and the problems of others seem to make us not feel alone), and they keep leading me to ponder the question, “Who would you be if?”  Who would you be if you never had divorced?  Who would you be if your spouse had not left you?  Who would you be if you were never hurt or betrayed?  The questions and scenarios are endless.

I know from my own personal experience, I can not imagine who I would be without some of my gut-wrenching moments.  Each moment has lead me to who I am now and I hope that is a more “enlightened” individual.  I put quotes around enlightened, because I don’t want anyone to think solely on religious or spiritual terms.  I also mean evolved, aware…wiser.  I know who I am more and more.  My trials and tribulations have sent me down paths that I never knew existed.  Does that mean I encourage these hard moments?  I instinctively say no, of course not, but I am not entirely sure.  I wish more that I could move through the challenging moments more easily.   I am a worry-wart and sensitive and little things to big things weigh on my mind heavily.  That is a trait I still need to work on and life may keep putting challenges in front of me until I figure that out.

My second husband went through a horrible divorce years before we met.  His wife left him and he took it very very hard.  I asked him if he wishes he never had divorced (A load question you may think, but he knew I truly wanted a honest answer and would not have minded if he said yes).  He told me that he is happier now but for the fact he did not see his children as much.  He realized that the relationship he had was not really that great and worth all the heartache he caused himself.  He knew now that he took his wife and life for granted.  He learned that you can not have a happy family and put work before everyone else.  He learned how to better communicate.  He learned how to improve on some of his own personality traits that caused problems within relationships.  He learned how to adapt his business and work to the easier, freer lifestyle he wanted.  None of this may have ever happened.

If I had not divorced, I never would have went back to school (One of the greatest experiences of my life!).  I may never have started writing.  I never would have moved out of the house that depressed me.  I never would have felt truly scared and alone.  I never would have felt my own strength, determination and courage.  I never would have learned how to respect my spouse.  I never would have learned to be less judgmental.  I never would have helped all the people I plan to help (This is my future self talking).  These are just a few, but the personal experiences and the personal growth that have taken place, are immeasurable.  I don’t want to take anything back.  I don’t want to take back a boyfriend dumping me.  I don’t want to take back the experiences of people hurting me.  What I want to take back are the months and months of sadness that I put myself through.  What I want to take back are the wasted hours, minutes, and seconds I spent wondering how I was going to get through it.  People come and people go.  I can embrace that now.  I can appreciate that now for what it is and not what I want it to be.  There is always something grander on the horizon, if I keep my eyes open and choose to see it.  For me, that is one thing I know without a doubt.

Who will you allow yourself to be when one trail ends?  Do you begin a new trail or keep retracing your steps?