How was it going to go this time? Was he going to look away the entire time again? Was his attorney going to be a complete ass again?
I had been uptight all day knowing that we would have to meet again in court. It had been four years since my ex, his attorney, and myself had been together in the House of Horrors (aka Court House). We were not there because of anything we had started so I had not anticipated a confrontational meeting, but I certainly expected it to be a tense reunion. Sadly, one of my other thoughts that morning was of my appearance. My insecurities come out, or the girl in me comes out, or a bit of both, and I feared these two people, neither of which I really care for, would perceive me as ugly, older than I am, and/or overweight. I know the ridiculousness in this. I am not unaware. But that knowing doesn’t seem to change how I think or feel and well, that is fodder for another post.
This was the first “me,” the insecure one, that walked into the referee’s waiting room; a room that can only be filled with the baddest of juju. Gratefully, I saw that only his attorney was present. Very unexpectedly, he greeted me with great warmth. I was a bit thrown off but steadied myself as I waited to see where this was going. He proceeded to ramble on about how good I looked and how he was not afraid to say it. That was when the non-trusting me came out. Was this guy for real? He was the biggest jerk to me in the past when we were trying to settle some issues. Was he charming me? Why was he charming me? What was I missing? Questions were doing flybys in my brain a mile a minute. This is a place to be our professional selves, but he was making this into a backyard Bar-B-Q.
I regained composure.
The insecure girl that had walked into that place took a back seat. The non-trusting me had now manned all entrances and made way for the tough and strong me to take charge. After the attorney thought he had successfully warmed me up, he began a series of personal questions to see what he could find and perhaps use to his benefit (my interpretation, of course). I tried to be very careful in what I offered but then that damn nice part of me didn’t want to be rude and the naive part of me wanted to think he was just being nice. The insecure part of me reared her ugly head too. She wanted to say all the right things so he would like me. The tough me would still not be bullied, but it wasn’t only the attorney sitting next to me that I had to fight.
I was relieved my ex never showed. All the other me’s got the day off.
As I sat in the waiting area, I did not like how I was being pulled into a casual conversation. This was a serious place, where serious decisions were made. I was not this guy’s friend. I wanted to be professional. Once we were called into the referee’s chambers, it was all business and easier to maintain my professional self, at least for me and the judge. The attorney was still complimenting me, in front of the woman judge, but it was easier to ignore him with the judge in front of me.
When I put into words all the versions of me that dual it out in my head, it is exhausting. And confusing. And I sound like a mental patient (no offense mental patients). However, in writing out this mess, I have really become aware of how quickly I transition through personalities, or emotions really. I’ve always known that I run a pretty full spectrum of me’s…think the Meredith Brooks song, Bitch. Although bitch would not be at the top of the list (no, really), the point is that I am many things. What has really surprised me is how many me’s I run through in any given moment.
How can I trust myself?
This writing challenge is about the different “you’s” colliding, ie the friends you, the mom you, the stranger you. I am unsure that I have interpreted this correctly. I suppose I should think about this more on the surface, such as, I cuss like a sailor in front of my friends only; however, when I think about the different me’s, I can’t help but think more about the drama that goes on in my mind rather than my outward mannerisms. All these me’s are just really my emotions and ego running my brain. I really need to learn to take control and trust in the real me. I suppose self-awareness is a good step in the right direction. Do you find yourself having a wrestling match in your brain?
Photo credit: www.buddytv.com
Check these other post from this week’s challenge: