chey being

Seeing what's inside again.


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It was easy there.

Just days ago, I was on a trip like no other trip.  It was not a vacation where we run to and fro collecting as many sites and experiences as possible, but rather an exploration and awakening of my soul.  A meditation retreat.  A place where I found safe haven, love and life-long friends.  It was easy there.  I shut myself off from phones, computers, television and family.  I could breathe unencumbered by daily chores, work, family distractions and most importantly, my own go-to forms of distractions and excuses.  I was cared for by loving people making my food and providing me with a clean room to rest.  I was guided by mentors who graciously shared their knowledge as they were born to do.  We were all handed this bounty of love on a beautiful silver platter, there for the taking.  Of course, we all partook.  We all made commitments.  We all created intentions.  We all faced our past, our heartaches, and our fears.  And we all resided in a place of pure love.

It was easy there.

As our time came to a close we began to gear up.  There was work to be done.  There was commitments to uphold.  Not to the outside world, but within ourselves.  I ebbed and flowed between the excitement of a child with a new toy to be explored, to a passenger on a crashing plane bracing for impact.  I was scared.  I was fearful that I would fail.  I was fearful that my life would suck me back in to its numbing chaos.  Even with my fears bouncing off the walls of my mind, I felt a knowing that I had turned a corner and there was no going back.  On our last day together, a beautiful soul whispered in my ear, “I keep hearing, ‘Keep going, keep going.'”  It was what I needed.  It was precious fuel for my tank in case I began to run on fumes.

So here I am, days later.  Back home.  Back to the reality I have created.  I was not granted a warm welcome.  I was denied a welcoming of love and happiness. I look out the window now and it is snowing.  Much different than the rains of Costa Rica that washed away the heavy heat.  I don’t mind it.  I don’t mind the weather greeting my journey home with freezing temperatures.  It is all beautiful.  But I do mind the way my husband, the one who is supposed to love me unconditionally, greeted me.  Since my feet have landed onto US soil, I have been hailed upon by his insecurities.  He would not grant me his love and happiness until he felt secure in our relationship.  Only after an argument, only after him blowing off my feelings of disappointment in his reaction, did he try to turn around and express his happiness for me.  He does not hear me.  He does not listen to my pain.  He had flowers and a sweet card for me.  It meant nothing.  I wanted to laugh hysterically.  I could literally feel their emptiness for there was no love behind them.

So this has been my experience upon arriving home.  A barrage of insinuating and ridiculous questions.  A “love you” one minute, and anger the next.  My head is spinning.  As if on a hyper-speed roller coaster, I am desperately trying to reach up and grabbed my head, grab my heart and hold on for dear life.  Hold on to all I have experienced.  Hold on to all the love I was so freely given.  Hold on to the self that I am.

My throat has been sore since the day I arrived home.  I looked it up in Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life.  It states, “Holding in angry words.  Feeling unable to express the self.”  Yeah.  That pretty much sums it up.  Her book also says that the throat is where change takes place.  Whether it be resisting change, going through change or simply trying to change.  I am a bit of each, I suppose.  I am resisting dealing with my husband.  I am definitely going through changes within and it is a taking its toll.  It is work.  It is work waking up early to meditate.  It is work to calm the mind, set aside all the busyness and write from my heart.  However, I know it will get easier.  I know every little piece, every little crevice of my life will be better for it and so I continue on this path.

I feel I am gearing up.  Gearing up for battle?  I don’t know, but I do know I am not prepared to act on  my marriage right now.  I am not strong enough to go through a divorce again in this moment.  I need to build an internal army that will keep me strong, protect me, shield me and most importantly, guide me.  I am OK with this.  I will know when the time is right; I will feel it in my gut.  It will be loud and clear.  I have been there before and I will recognize it when it is time.  Now is time for me.  Now is time for me to grow in my awareness.  Time to look at everything with a renewed curiosity.  Time to connect with God, Source, the Universe, My Higher Self, call it what you like.  I have been away too long.  It is time to look beyond the veil, return home and…

“Keep going, keep going.”

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Being selfish gets a bad rap.

Are you selfish or selfless?

When I decided to divorce, I was called selfish more times than I can count.  Others thought I was putting myself first before my husband and children.  In fact, I was, but I did it just as much for myself as I did it for my children.  I was selfish and sadly, it took a long time to get to that point and be OK with it.  I did not want my children to grow up with my marriage as an example.  I could not be a present and happy mother in that marriage.  I had to love myself enough to know that I deserved a better life.

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So what’s so wrong with being selfish?  Would people have preferred that I lived a life of misery?  People would say that I didn’t try hard enough but how do they know how hard I tried?  I imagine it’s like trying to tell someone to choose not to be homosexual.  It’s not a choice, it just is and either one suffers in non-acceptance or they flourish in their truth.  I had to live my truth because living a lie was nothing more than a slow, painful death sentence.  To accept such a sentence is completely selfless because one is NOT at all thinking of themselves.  Feelings of shame, unworthiness, or thinking we are undeserving can rule our life and make us believe that we must accept our “punishment” or fate.

Everyone knows someone who is always helping others.  They are called selfless people all the time, but have you ever sat down and talked with one of these people?  Often, they are exhausted, unhappy and unfilled.  How can that be?  I believe many times, these people feel an obligation, a duty to always help others.  Coming from this place does not make the work fulfilling, it’s quite the opposite.  Ever notice they literally refuse to take time for themselves?  I feel it’s some sort of self-punishment.  Now recall the helpful person who feels extreme enjoyment from helping others.  That, to me, is selfish…and good.  They are doing what fulfills them, which is helping others.  And honestly, those they are helping can tell the difference.

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When I think of the person I love (such as a spouse or boy/girlfriend), I think, why do I love them?  I love them because they make me happy and fulfill me in some way (We have children because they fulfill a need to have one!). That is selfish, right?  Of course, I give to the other for giving to me, but I have served myself first.  I then continue to be selfish because making the other person happy makes me happy.  I am giving out of a true place in my heart, not out of obligation.

We have all had our heart broken.  Remember thinking the other person was cruel and selfish?  In fact, we were the one’s being cruel in not allowing the other to be selfish.  We wanted that person to stay even though it did not make them happy.  Is it not cruel to wish unhappiness on a person we supposedly “love?”  If we served the greater good in our true self we would want the one’s we love to live their own life, whether we agree with it or not.  I have been on both sides of this scenario and I can say that I have never felt love from someone who was desperate to keep me at the expense of us both.

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Many years ago when I had my affair, I believe that was my most selfless moment.  I was not putting me or any one first.  I was hurting myself and therefore, hurting my family.  If I had thought higher of myself, had more confidence, but most importantly, had been a more aware human being, I would not have let my ego rule my life.  I fed my ego that wanted to feel needed, smart, and beautiful.   I allowed it to hurt me beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  If I had had love for my true self, I would not have went on a journey that led me to wanting to end my life.

images1For me, being selfish is putting myself first so that I can be the best I can be to others.  How can I be a present and loving mother if I never take time for what is important to me?   Being fulfilled in my own life, that is doing what makes me happy, also creates a higher self-awareness, makes me a better wife, more helpful to others, and more pleasant to be around.  It is why I sit here and write.  I want to help others because it fulfills my soul.