Just days ago, I was on a trip like no other trip. It was not a vacation where we run to and fro collecting as many sites and experiences as possible, but rather an exploration and awakening of my soul. A meditation retreat. A place where I found safe haven, love and life-long friends. It was easy there. I shut myself off from phones, computers, television and family. I could breathe unencumbered by daily chores, work, family distractions and most importantly, my own go-to forms of distractions and excuses. I was cared for by loving people making my food and providing me with a clean room to rest. I was guided by mentors who graciously shared their knowledge as they were born to do. We were all handed this bounty of love on a beautiful silver platter, there for the taking. Of course, we all partook. We all made commitments. We all created intentions. We all faced our past, our heartaches, and our fears. And we all resided in a place of pure love.
It was easy there.
As our time came to a close we began to gear up. There was work to be done. There was commitments to uphold. Not to the outside world, but within ourselves. I ebbed and flowed between the excitement of a child with a new toy to be explored, to a passenger on a crashing plane bracing for impact. I was scared. I was fearful that I would fail. I was fearful that my life would suck me back in to its numbing chaos. Even with my fears bouncing off the walls of my mind, I felt a knowing that I had turned a corner and there was no going back. On our last day together, a beautiful soul whispered in my ear, “I keep hearing, ‘Keep going, keep going.'” It was what I needed. It was precious fuel for my tank in case I began to run on fumes.
So here I am, days later. Back home. Back to the reality I have created. I was not granted a warm welcome. I was denied a welcoming of love and happiness. I look out the window now and it is snowing. Much different than the rains of Costa Rica that washed away the heavy heat. I don’t mind it. I don’t mind the weather greeting my journey home with freezing temperatures. It is all beautiful. But I do mind the way my husband, the one who is supposed to love me unconditionally, greeted me. Since my feet have landed onto US soil, I have been hailed upon by his insecurities. He would not grant me his love and happiness until he felt secure in our relationship. Only after an argument, only after him blowing off my feelings of disappointment in his reaction, did he try to turn around and express his happiness for me. He does not hear me. He does not listen to my pain. He had flowers and a sweet card for me. It meant nothing. I wanted to laugh hysterically. I could literally feel their emptiness for there was no love behind them.
So this has been my experience upon arriving home. A barrage of insinuating and ridiculous questions. A “love you” one minute, and anger the next. My head is spinning. As if on a hyper-speed roller coaster, I am desperately trying to reach up and grabbed my head, grab my heart and hold on for dear life. Hold on to all I have experienced. Hold on to all the love I was so freely given. Hold on to the self that I am.
My throat has been sore since the day I arrived home. I looked it up in Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life. It states, “Holding in angry words. Feeling unable to express the self.” Yeah. That pretty much sums it up. Her book also says that the throat is where change takes place. Whether it be resisting change, going through change or simply trying to change. I am a bit of each, I suppose. I am resisting dealing with my husband. I am definitely going through changes within and it is a taking its toll. It is work. It is work waking up early to meditate. It is work to calm the mind, set aside all the busyness and write from my heart. However, I know it will get easier. I know every little piece, every little crevice of my life will be better for it and so I continue on this path.
I feel I am gearing up. Gearing up for battle? I don’t know, but I do know I am not prepared to act on my marriage right now. I am not strong enough to go through a divorce again in this moment. I need to build an internal army that will keep me strong, protect me, shield me and most importantly, guide me. I am OK with this. I will know when the time is right; I will feel it in my gut. It will be loud and clear. I have been there before and I will recognize it when it is time. Now is time for me. Now is time for me to grow in my awareness. Time to look at everything with a renewed curiosity. Time to connect with God, Source, the Universe, My Higher Self, call it what you like. I have been away too long. It is time to look beyond the veil, return home and…
“Keep going, keep going.”