chey being

Seeing what's inside again.


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Are you talkin’ to me?

Do I have a dual personality?

Why is it on some days I feel like I can conquer the world?  I go about my day with confidence and purpose.  Things just fall into place.  Problems, schroblems!  There are no problems.  Life is beautiful.  Everyone is beautiful!  Look at the sky…it’s glorious!  My hair looks fan-freakin’-tastic today!

Next day.

I can’t write one comprehensible paragraph.  My lengthy “To Do List” is freaking me out.  I want to cry because I’m tired of making my bed…every…single…morning…of…my…life.  I’m depressed because I just ate way too many chocolates.  I have to teach a Pilates class and put on spandex once again and now I’m really upset I ate those chocolates!

Am I hormonal?

I hate using that as an excuse because if it’s true than, 1. That is just totally unfair to women and 2. God is cruel.

Am I a runner?

Ya know that movie, “Runaway Bride?”  Well, I think I would be the star of “Runaway From Life, Obligations And All Chance of Failure.”  I think it’s quite catchy!

Am I just going through the 40’s blues?

I’m in my early 40’s now and in your 40’s you start to get those pesky things called wrinkles and the burning desire to Botox the crap out of your face.  You can no longer responsibly get away with wearing a mini-skirt, short shorts, or shop in the Junior Department.  You are no longer mistaken for being in your 20’s because you officially look like you are in your 30’s.  You don’t go to late night parties because who can stay awake at this point?  A date with your PJ’s and the couch sound so much better.

Is my ego just fighting harder?

I feel that I am slowly creeping into my life’s purpose.  Part of me is confused, “Why now?  I feel too old!”  That’s my ego, right?  My self-defeating ego.  My fearful ego.  I have such high hopes for myself.  I’ve always felt that there is something big out there that I am meant to do.  Does everyone have this feeling?  Actually, if I stop and think about it, I could not write a book about divorce if I had never went through divorce.  I believe all my life experiences have been and continue to lead me to this.

So here’s my Ah Ha moment…

I do feel that as I become more aware (more conscious) that my ego is putting up a greater fight.  It’s scared of the unknown.  I am scared of the unknown because my ego is a part of me.  Before, the non-confident part of me (or ego) didn’t have to really show up.  It just had to give a half-assed, “Hey, stupid, you can’t do that!”  I never agreed or disagreed because I didn’t even know I could!  Now I’m responding.  Now I’m having a conversation.  Like, “Hey, are you sure about that? I think I could do that.” So now my lazy ego has to put more effort into this.  It has become more alert and is now saying, “Hey wait a minute boys, she’s goin’ rogue!  We better call in the troops!” AKA more negative, self-defeating thoughts.  I still may be defeated in the end but at the very least I am understanding that I’m allowing myself to be bullied.

Yes, I feel like I have awoken the sleeping dragon.  Kinda cool, huh?  I think it’s time we became friends.

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Where’s Bilbo when you need him? 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Embracing a Bad Day

I woke up yesterday morning not feeling the greatest.  I felt overwhelmed and underwhelmed with life all at the same time.  I am quite confident that anyone with a pulse has been there.  With so many projects in the works and not sure any of it is taking me anywhere, I felt stuck in the middle of a maze.  All of my passions seemed to have dwindled to a spark.  Everything felt very unimportant .  Is this it?  Does anything I’m doing mean anything?  Is this my life?  I was feeling pretty low.

Every time I think of writing about a “bad day,” I think twice and stop myself.  I don’t want to put that kind of energy out there.  I want my writing to have purpose, whether it is healing, thought-provoking, funny, or helpful in some way.  Often times, I will write when I am at my lowest of lows, but just for myself.  I get it out onto my computer and then I simply delete it.  It’s cathartic.  It gives me great comfort because I feel like I have unloaded my burden.  I  have learned the hard way that strong negative emotions are literally poison to my body.  I then feel clear-headed and can move on without all the exaggerated, heightened emotions and get back to reality…which is never that bad!

I think there is a fine line when putting myself out there.  These words we read on our glowing computer screens can often get lost in translation or completely misinterpreted.  They are without the inflection in my voice.  They are devoid of my enthusiasm or pain.  All I can do is hope I group a few of the right words in the right sequence to not only portray my thoughts but to give something.  Hope.  A smile.  A spark.  A knowing.  I want to give something other than the ramblings of my very bad day.

My life isn’t always pretty.  I’m not always pretty.  But I am too aware to get sucked in.  I will only allow myself to hang out at my pity party for so long before I must put on my big girl pants and bail.  Maybe I have to take another look at something from a different perspective.  Maybe I need to appreciate something at that moment that I have been neglecting.  Maybe I need to take action.  Maybe I need to do nothing but sit and find my peace.  Everything has purpose.  Everything has meaning.  I woke up with a self-defeating mind.  I sat around and did nothing.  I had no motivation and I felt really guilty about it.

Then I just embraced it.  I found my peace with all the things I didn’t want to feel and felt bad about feeling.  And when I did that…I actually felt better.

Oh, and today was a better day!  Have a fabulous weekend all!

 

 


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Signs, signs, everywhere signs.

For the past bunch of months, I have been meditating.  My brain, much like most I’m sure, runs on overdrive.  When I’m not organizing every minute of the day, I am problem solving.  It seems there is always something to “figure out.”   Whether it is something innocuous like, what color should I paint a room, to wondering what I’m going to do about my disintegrating marriage. My lack of self-trust can make every decision monumental.  Always, thinking, thinking, thinking and it’s exhausting!  Hence, mediation.  It has been wonderful, challenging, frustrating, and life changing.  And I’m only getting started!

Since I began,  I have been noticing more and more synchronicity within my life.  Another unexpected change is my sense or awareness to things around me.  Everything is energy and everything has a vibration; therefore, I imagine if I am more “in tune” with that energy or more aware, it makes sense that I would begin to have these feelings about what I thought to be inanimate objects.

imagesWhat is most powerful to me about these changes is that I am not only beginning to listen but that I am beginning to trust.     If I feel something, I just do it.  Ok, this is a work in progress, but the incredible thing is that I contemplate it less and then I actually take the action.  This is quite extraordinary for me because many, if not most of the time, I will question everything to death, thus talking myself right out of it.

For years now I have had an unusually strong feeling towards hawks.  Years ago when I was going through my divorce, I was looking in a particular neighborhood for a place to live.  I would often see a hawk flying around this area.  I can’t explain it but it always made me incredibly happy.  A deep within my soul happy, like my very insides smiled.  Yes, I always thought it was odd to get that excited about a bird but it was exactly how I felt.  It was like a feeling of seeing a giraffe on the side of the road.  That would be a WOW moment, right?  Only for me, it was a hawk.   I had never noticed hawks around this area before, which was only a few blocks from my marital home.  So every so often I would happen to take notice of this beautiful bird whether it was gliding through the sky or perched on a leafless tree branch.

A few days ago, I was driving home and thinking about the book I want to write.  I’ve had a general idea for some time now, but I knew it needed to have more of a central focus or purpose.  While I was driving the last mile home, this focus was coming to me.  It was all flooding in as if a bunch of jumbled numbers were beginning to make sense.  I began talking these ideas into the notes of my phone (because I was driving!!).  When I finished and was less than a block from my house, a huge hawk landed in the middle of the road, right in front of me.  I had never seen a hawk on the ground this close and could not believe how big it actually was.  I had to step on my brakes to avoid hitting it.  It landed, looked at me, realized I was too close and took off again.  It was magnificent.  I took it as a sign that I was on the right track.

indexNormally, I would not have connected the two.  I probably would have forgotten all about my notes or questioned them ad nauseam and let the whole thing sit on my phone until who knows when.

I was in my closet the other day and I felt or almost heard that it wanted to be painted; it felt depressing.  No, not because my wardrobe it slightly sad and boring (or maybe!).  I sort of sloughed it off thinking I DO NOT need to add to my To Do list right now!  I have been feeling very overwhelmed and when I do, I actually tend to add things to my list instead of drop.  I can not explain this behavior.  However, the thought stuck with me long enough to ask my husband what he thought.  He asked me why with his usual “ulterior motive” implication added.  I said that I didn’t know, I just feel it.  He told me that I did not need another thing to do, to which I agreed and dropped the whole thing.

A day or so later, I was running all over town looking for new kitchen rugs.  I was getting frustrated as I felt I was wasting so much time.  I was nearing Home Depot and asked aloud if I should stop.  I needed help and guidance so why not on where to get rugs?  I felt the answer was yes and so I went for it.  Disappointingly, I did not find the rugs I was looking for.  As I was trying to navigate my way out of the store, I wondered why I had felt drawn to stop here when I didn’t find my rugs!  I was walking through the middle “hall” and needed to pass through an aisle to get to the front of the store and out.  Each aisle was blocked with people or equipment and I had to keep walking further and further down.  Finally, I reached an open aisle and turned to walk up and out.  I quickly realized it was the paint aisle.  I knew I needed to buy paint.  With an unused store credit, I purchased my gallon of paint for less than $10 and left the store.

imagesIn the last two month I have been wanting to get a word tattoo on my wrist but I was waffling between a few choices.  While I was away in Costa Rica, we were all given a temporary tattoo to put on for fun and inspiration.  They were all laid out before us and I quickly knew which one I wanted.  It was the words “Surrender” in a perfect size for the back of my wrist.  This word, for me,  is almost laughable to anyone who knows me well because I am somewhat of a control freak.  I find it extremely difficult to surrender to anything!  So I lived with this word on my wrist for a few days and began to feel that this was the word for me.  Of course, in typical Chey fashion, I began to think about what everyone else would think and was beginning to question the whole idea.  I was struggling letting go of what others would think.  I had had oils on my wrists frequently causing the tattoo to become all cakey.  I went to the sink to wash it off so that it wouldn’t rub off on everything.  When I turned on the faucet, it shot water and air at me so hard that I jumped and screamed.  I knew that was my tattoo.

One may think it is all coincidence and maybe it is, but whatever it is, it allows me to feel connected to my true self, away from the self-defeating ego.  The beauty of it is that it is my reality, and thus that is my truth.  There can be nothing else.

imagesI write this to those who feel their chaotic mind is winning more often than not.  I write this to inspire one to meditate.  Maybe that mediation is taking a walk through the woods and listening to the sounds of nature.  Maybe that meditation is being in water, floating and allowing the sounds of life to be muffled away.  Or maybe it is finding a quiet space, sitting still, and listening to your breath.  I write this so that maybe someone will begin to listen to their inner voice that is desperately reaching out.  Unlike myself, I have stifled that inner voice for so long, making life much more complicated than it’s meant to be.

So, what is there to lose?

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It was easy there.

Just days ago, I was on a trip like no other trip.  It was not a vacation where we run to and fro collecting as many sites and experiences as possible, but rather an exploration and awakening of my soul.  A meditation retreat.  A place where I found safe haven, love and life-long friends.  It was easy there.  I shut myself off from phones, computers, television and family.  I could breathe unencumbered by daily chores, work, family distractions and most importantly, my own go-to forms of distractions and excuses.  I was cared for by loving people making my food and providing me with a clean room to rest.  I was guided by mentors who graciously shared their knowledge as they were born to do.  We were all handed this bounty of love on a beautiful silver platter, there for the taking.  Of course, we all partook.  We all made commitments.  We all created intentions.  We all faced our past, our heartaches, and our fears.  And we all resided in a place of pure love.

It was easy there.

As our time came to a close we began to gear up.  There was work to be done.  There was commitments to uphold.  Not to the outside world, but within ourselves.  I ebbed and flowed between the excitement of a child with a new toy to be explored, to a passenger on a crashing plane bracing for impact.  I was scared.  I was fearful that I would fail.  I was fearful that my life would suck me back in to its numbing chaos.  Even with my fears bouncing off the walls of my mind, I felt a knowing that I had turned a corner and there was no going back.  On our last day together, a beautiful soul whispered in my ear, “I keep hearing, ‘Keep going, keep going.'”  It was what I needed.  It was precious fuel for my tank in case I began to run on fumes.

So here I am, days later.  Back home.  Back to the reality I have created.  I was not granted a warm welcome.  I was denied a welcoming of love and happiness. I look out the window now and it is snowing.  Much different than the rains of Costa Rica that washed away the heavy heat.  I don’t mind it.  I don’t mind the weather greeting my journey home with freezing temperatures.  It is all beautiful.  But I do mind the way my husband, the one who is supposed to love me unconditionally, greeted me.  Since my feet have landed onto US soil, I have been hailed upon by his insecurities.  He would not grant me his love and happiness until he felt secure in our relationship.  Only after an argument, only after him blowing off my feelings of disappointment in his reaction, did he try to turn around and express his happiness for me.  He does not hear me.  He does not listen to my pain.  He had flowers and a sweet card for me.  It meant nothing.  I wanted to laugh hysterically.  I could literally feel their emptiness for there was no love behind them.

So this has been my experience upon arriving home.  A barrage of insinuating and ridiculous questions.  A “love you” one minute, and anger the next.  My head is spinning.  As if on a hyper-speed roller coaster, I am desperately trying to reach up and grabbed my head, grab my heart and hold on for dear life.  Hold on to all I have experienced.  Hold on to all the love I was so freely given.  Hold on to the self that I am.

My throat has been sore since the day I arrived home.  I looked it up in Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life.  It states, “Holding in angry words.  Feeling unable to express the self.”  Yeah.  That pretty much sums it up.  Her book also says that the throat is where change takes place.  Whether it be resisting change, going through change or simply trying to change.  I am a bit of each, I suppose.  I am resisting dealing with my husband.  I am definitely going through changes within and it is a taking its toll.  It is work.  It is work waking up early to meditate.  It is work to calm the mind, set aside all the busyness and write from my heart.  However, I know it will get easier.  I know every little piece, every little crevice of my life will be better for it and so I continue on this path.

I feel I am gearing up.  Gearing up for battle?  I don’t know, but I do know I am not prepared to act on  my marriage right now.  I am not strong enough to go through a divorce again in this moment.  I need to build an internal army that will keep me strong, protect me, shield me and most importantly, guide me.  I am OK with this.  I will know when the time is right; I will feel it in my gut.  It will be loud and clear.  I have been there before and I will recognize it when it is time.  Now is time for me.  Now is time for me to grow in my awareness.  Time to look at everything with a renewed curiosity.  Time to connect with God, Source, the Universe, My Higher Self, call it what you like.  I have been away too long.  It is time to look beyond the veil, return home and…

“Keep going, keep going.”


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Being selfish gets a bad rap.

Are you selfish or selfless?

When I decided to divorce, I was called selfish more times than I can count.  Others thought I was putting myself first before my husband and children.  In fact, I was, but I did it just as much for myself as I did it for my children.  I was selfish and sadly, it took a long time to get to that point and be OK with it.  I did not want my children to grow up with my marriage as an example.  I could not be a present and happy mother in that marriage.  I had to love myself enough to know that I deserved a better life.

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So what’s so wrong with being selfish?  Would people have preferred that I lived a life of misery?  People would say that I didn’t try hard enough but how do they know how hard I tried?  I imagine it’s like trying to tell someone to choose not to be homosexual.  It’s not a choice, it just is and either one suffers in non-acceptance or they flourish in their truth.  I had to live my truth because living a lie was nothing more than a slow, painful death sentence.  To accept such a sentence is completely selfless because one is NOT at all thinking of themselves.  Feelings of shame, unworthiness, or thinking we are undeserving can rule our life and make us believe that we must accept our “punishment” or fate.

Everyone knows someone who is always helping others.  They are called selfless people all the time, but have you ever sat down and talked with one of these people?  Often, they are exhausted, unhappy and unfilled.  How can that be?  I believe many times, these people feel an obligation, a duty to always help others.  Coming from this place does not make the work fulfilling, it’s quite the opposite.  Ever notice they literally refuse to take time for themselves?  I feel it’s some sort of self-punishment.  Now recall the helpful person who feels extreme enjoyment from helping others.  That, to me, is selfish…and good.  They are doing what fulfills them, which is helping others.  And honestly, those they are helping can tell the difference.

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When I think of the person I love (such as a spouse or boy/girlfriend), I think, why do I love them?  I love them because they make me happy and fulfill me in some way (We have children because they fulfill a need to have one!). That is selfish, right?  Of course, I give to the other for giving to me, but I have served myself first.  I then continue to be selfish because making the other person happy makes me happy.  I am giving out of a true place in my heart, not out of obligation.

We have all had our heart broken.  Remember thinking the other person was cruel and selfish?  In fact, we were the one’s being cruel in not allowing the other to be selfish.  We wanted that person to stay even though it did not make them happy.  Is it not cruel to wish unhappiness on a person we supposedly “love?”  If we served the greater good in our true self we would want the one’s we love to live their own life, whether we agree with it or not.  I have been on both sides of this scenario and I can say that I have never felt love from someone who was desperate to keep me at the expense of us both.

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Many years ago when I had my affair, I believe that was my most selfless moment.  I was not putting me or any one first.  I was hurting myself and therefore, hurting my family.  If I had thought higher of myself, had more confidence, but most importantly, had been a more aware human being, I would not have let my ego rule my life.  I fed my ego that wanted to feel needed, smart, and beautiful.   I allowed it to hurt me beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  If I had had love for my true self, I would not have went on a journey that led me to wanting to end my life.

images1For me, being selfish is putting myself first so that I can be the best I can be to others.  How can I be a present and loving mother if I never take time for what is important to me?   Being fulfilled in my own life, that is doing what makes me happy, also creates a higher self-awareness, makes me a better wife, more helpful to others, and more pleasant to be around.  It is why I sit here and write.  I want to help others because it fulfills my soul.

 


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What the bleep do I want?

The lovely, witty, funny, and talented  Amanda Insidethelifeofmoi allowed ME to write the following Guest Post for her hugely successful blog!  If your one of the few who are not already following her, please check her out!  Thanks again Amanda!

This may seem a bit selfish at first glance.  The “me, me, me,” of my inner two year old, but au contraire my darlings.  

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A good portion of my life has been spent reacting.  Something happens, big or small, and I am veered off in that direction.  I’m not talking about having an attention disorder or OCD, such as in a typical day of mine:   Making my way to the bathroom, spot a piece of lint on the carpet, must pick up.  Walk by the laundry room; should really stop and throw a load in.  Walk by the kitchen, “Did someone leave their plate out?”  Better clean that up.  The pillows on the couch are smooshed; must fluff!  Eventually my bladder says to me, “Hey lady, can we make it to the bathroom at some point here?”  Oh, right!

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I am talking about life on a grander scale, like those pesky things called relationships, careers, and dreams.  When we don’t know what we want in life, we simply follow along with whatever comes our way.  We may even have a muffled whisper deep down trying desperately to communicate with us, but we are too afraid to listen.  We may even make excuses like me, an expert at talking myself into anything!  Here are a few pernicious examples from my life:

1.  I really wanted to finish my Bachelor’s Degree in Communications.  I had made it so far but I had a fiance now and didn’t really need to work, so I quit.  I told myself I was tired of school and the money it cost would be a waste if I wasn’t going to get a job anyway.  Lazy ass.

2.  My inner voice, “You need to write.”  My all-controlling mind, “You should help your husband with his business and spend all day on the computer doing work you hate because at least you will be useful.”  How did I talk myself into that one?

3.  After my divorce, I told myself that I really wanted to be with someone who has the same spiritual views as me.  Met someone.  Did not have the same views.  Oh well…he gets along so great with my kids; it must be right!  Insert eye roll.

4.  Years ago, I had numerous “unexplainable” health issues.  I didn’t want to think or believe that it was my jacked-up life causing these problems, or my inner soul desperately sending me wake-up calls.  So I reacted to my body and  focused on 1. Freaking out and  2. Visiting every western and eastern medicine doctor within a 100 mile radius.

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There have often been times when I am so out-of-tune with myself that I was truly only reacting to life.  Almost hoping, waiting for something or someone to come along to fill the void and lead the way for me.

Years ago, I was asked by a well-known author and spiritual leader, “What is it you want my dear?”

“Ummm…,” I said, looking somewhat like a deer caught in head lights.  This was also in front of a large group of people which did not help in the least.  They all seemed to look at me, just waiting.  I could only imagine them thinking, “Who doesn’t know what they want? Loser.”

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He told me that we were going to take a break, I could think about it, and we would continue discussing it when we all returned.

I went back to my hotel room and thought about it.  I thought about it for so long and with no results, that I began to panic.  What was wrong with me?  I never did come up with an answer.  When we all reconvened and I had nothing of worthiness to report, I thought I sensed the questioner’s slight disappointment.  It was humiliating.  I felt like a total failure.

If we don’t know what we want, we will simply live a life of reaction to everything and everyone around us.  Every ache or pain will become our focus.  Every person that annoys us will distract us.  Every little blip in the road will be greeted with our undivided attention.  We will allow ourselves to be dragged into other people’s drama.  The options for distractions are endless.

How can we know what to do and where to go if we really have no idea what we truly want?

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At the beginning of the year, I had to make a change (remember that work I hated?), but I seriously had NO clue what to do!  I asked and I listened (OK, maybe I pleaded a bit) with no answer, but I decided that I had to have faith and believe that it would come.  And it did.  I wanted to teach Pilates and I wanted to finally sit down and write.  Within seven months, I completed my training and am now teaching.  I also started my blog….I am finally writing.

I have to be honest though, some of my “life diversions” have led me to grander things and seemed to have served some purpose to where I am now.  Maybe it’s more about knowing when to get off the path that has become too treacherous than getting on; however, I also think we often take the back winding country roads, when we could have taken the expressway.

Every day I am practicing to be aware and to “read the signs,” because they are there.  Life is speaking to us every moment in every way imaginable and unimaginable.  If we would only stop and listen.


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A Book Is All It Took

Fear Becomes Me, Part Two, is where I last left my story of divorce.  If I had to name the darkest hour of my life, it would be where I am now in my story.  The fear of being sick ruled my mind, and thus my life on every level.  It was a miserable existence and if not for my children, I am not sure I would be alive today.  To know that I allowed something, unwarranted no less, to rule my life really pisses me off, to be honest.  It was a waste of time and precious life, but I know too that it was uncontrollable at the time.  It directed my life onto a different path and for that part I am grateful.  My regret is that I stayed in that black hole for so long.

Every morning and every night I woke up unable to sleep, my first thought was always of what was wrong with me.  I went through this methodical process of trying to make sense of every symptom I was feeling, what could be causing it all and what action I should take to make it all go away.  Hundreds of times a day I would go through this cycle of thought.  My OCD tendencies that I would call mild, seemed to have grabbed hold of this new predicament and relished it like water to the desert.  It was a gloomy existence that turned to thoughts of wishing desperately that death would take me and release me from my prison sentence.  Each time I was in my car alone, I would sink into a space somewhere between peace and surrender, wishing that I would crash and all my pain inside and out would be instantly gone.

I believe somewhere deep deep inside, my suppressed soul was desperately trying to reach me.  My mother had recommended a book to me (which I’ve decided to keep anonymous).  Like all bits of hope thrown my way, I bee-lined to the book store.  And there I was, in the middle of the night, sleepless as usual, reading this book with a now common determination and desperation to find a solution, an answer, a cure, anything.  I was in a grim state during those early morning hours, tears kept welling up and spilling over every few minutes.  I was working myself into another frenzy, a borderline state of panic.   For an unknown reason, I stopped reading and turned to the back of the book.  I read something about contacting the author at an email address.

By this time, I was communicating again with James.  He knew on some minor level my fears, but I kept much of it inside.  I knew, like my husband, mother, and father, he could only take so much of my gloom and doom ramblings.  I had begun to become a phony to everyone now in my life, putting on a happy face for James when I was slowing rotting inside.  So when I read this invitation of sorts, I jumped at the chance to pour out my soul.  I don’t remember much of what I wrote that night, except that I was at a point where I was begging for death.  While fleeting, draining my mind of its poisonous thoughts was cathartic, even though I had no expectations of being heard.

Months later, while still on my miserable, lying, cheating, racked with fear path, I had a missed call and a message on my cell phone.  It was a woman who worked for the author and she wanted to know if I would like to be on his radio show.  I almost fell over.

Up Next:  The Invitation

This post is the continuation of my story and journey to divorce.   You can find my story from the beginning under the category, My Conscious Journey to Divorce.

 

Image credit: http://www.huffingtonpost.com