chey being

Seeing what's inside again.


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The Invitation

A continuation from A Book Is All It Took.

I could not believe that my pithy email had been read by a real live person and that they were reaching out to me!  I called the woman back who had left the message.  She simply said that the author would like to have me on his radio show that evening and I could talk about anything I wanted.  I remember her being very kind with a great warmth in her voice.  Of course, I agreed with barely suppressed excitement.  I know when I hung up that I took a few deep breaths to allow the reality of it to register and then I skipped around the room doing a long forgotten happy dance.  I had no idea what to expect but I was so unbelievably desperate for help that this chance, this opportunity, had me jumping out of my skin with hope.  Pure hope.

It was time for a change.  Something had to change.

I remember telling James and hearing his lack of enthusiasm.  We never really agreed on spiritual or religious beliefs and I am pretty sure he thought this author was a whack job.  James was a non-practicing-but-for-holidays Jew and I was a church-soured ex-Christian.  Although his reaction was not surprising, it did hurt.  I am not sure if he was afraid that I would be led to leave him or what.  This and the proceeding events were something we were to never really discuss.  I did find out years later that he had listened to me on the radio.  He never told me that and I wish I knew why.  I have often wondered if he felt responsible for my pain and suffering and if it was easier for him to ignore it.  I wanted him to be happy for me but thankfully my own enthusiasm was enough not to care what he thought.

I wanted to make my scheduled call in private and uninterrupted, so I made up some lie to get out of the house where I could then call from my car.  I did not tell my husband at this point as I did not want him to hear anything; I needed to speak freely and openly.  I arrived at my intended destination, a parking lot, and waited.  I was so nervous that I began to think this wasn’t really going to happen, that it was all a hoax of some sort.  When I finally made the call and it was busy, my fears deepened.  This had to happen was all I could think.  After the second or third try I made it through.

The author told me that he had two guests in his studio that would be joining us.  He then asked me what was on my mind and well, I just blurted it all out without any reservations or fear.  I said that I had been having a long-term affair…It was killing me…I hated living a lie…I was having unexplainable pain…I was in constant fear of being horribly sick.  I said them as if they were two separate issues.  1.  I don’t know how to leave my lover and 2. Somebody heal me because I’m going to kill myself!  In my mind, at this point, they were two separate issues.  Even though I knew the stress of the affair was taking a toll on me, it did not occur to me to address the issue causing the stress.  I only thought to deal with the symptoms.  In fact, my health issues were all I had mentioned in my email.  I honestly had a mental block with my relationships because I did not know what to do.  I was in some sick, twisted state of limbo.  I couldn’t leave James no matter how many times I tried and I couldn’t leave my husband, so I did nothing.  As hard as it is to believe, even to myself now, neither of my options were remotely fathomable to me at this time.

The author asked the guests to respond first.  My first thoughts were that I couldn’t believe how nice and understanding they all were.  Internally, I felt like such a low-life for admitting my affair that I suppose I expected to be shamed and judged in some way, but it was quite the opposite.  They truly only had love and compassion in their voices.   After a brief back and forth, one of the guests asked me to sit quietly and go within.  What?!?  I slowly began to freak out.  I could feel my heart rate skyrocketing.  I was so wound up with expectations that there was no way I was going to have some calm, zen-like internal moment with myself.  All I could think was that this was not helping me and that my big chance of getting any help was diminishing by the second.  She asked me how I was feeling after a few moments and I told her that I wasn’t feeling anything.  I think the author sensed the sheer panic arising in my voice.  He told me that I needed to deal with these issues before I gave myself a real disease.  He said he was having a week long retreat in the next month and asked if I would like to come; he wanted to speak with me further.  All I had to do was get myself there and he would take care of the rest.

Oh…my…God!

The author told me off air that he would have someone give me a phone number to call later that evening to make the arrangements.  I could not believe my good fortune.  I had gone from panic to elation in a matter of minutes.  We hung up and I sat in my car and cried.  I wept uncontrollably because I could not believe that someone cared enough about me to offer help like that.  I didn’t feel deserving.  I was the woman who walked around with the big scarlet letter on her chest.  I deserved to be stoned at the altar.  I deserved all the sideways glances.  I deserved the venom of judgement.  But not this night.  This night I was greeted with love and compassion.  I was offered a hand to bring me out of the darkness and I was ready.  I was ready for anything.

Up next:  The Retreat

You can find my story from the beginning under the category, My Conscious Journey To Divorce.


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Being selfish gets a bad rap.

Are you selfish or selfless?

When I decided to divorce, I was called selfish more times than I can count.  Others thought I was putting myself first before my husband and children.  In fact, I was, but I did it just as much for myself as I did it for my children.  I was selfish and sadly, it took a long time to get to that point and be OK with it.  I did not want my children to grow up with my marriage as an example.  I could not be a present and happy mother in that marriage.  I had to love myself enough to know that I deserved a better life.

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So what’s so wrong with being selfish?  Would people have preferred that I lived a life of misery?  People would say that I didn’t try hard enough but how do they know how hard I tried?  I imagine it’s like trying to tell someone to choose not to be homosexual.  It’s not a choice, it just is and either one suffers in non-acceptance or they flourish in their truth.  I had to live my truth because living a lie was nothing more than a slow, painful death sentence.  To accept such a sentence is completely selfless because one is NOT at all thinking of themselves.  Feelings of shame, unworthiness, or thinking we are undeserving can rule our life and make us believe that we must accept our “punishment” or fate.

Everyone knows someone who is always helping others.  They are called selfless people all the time, but have you ever sat down and talked with one of these people?  Often, they are exhausted, unhappy and unfilled.  How can that be?  I believe many times, these people feel an obligation, a duty to always help others.  Coming from this place does not make the work fulfilling, it’s quite the opposite.  Ever notice they literally refuse to take time for themselves?  I feel it’s some sort of self-punishment.  Now recall the helpful person who feels extreme enjoyment from helping others.  That, to me, is selfish…and good.  They are doing what fulfills them, which is helping others.  And honestly, those they are helping can tell the difference.

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When I think of the person I love (such as a spouse or boy/girlfriend), I think, why do I love them?  I love them because they make me happy and fulfill me in some way (We have children because they fulfill a need to have one!). That is selfish, right?  Of course, I give to the other for giving to me, but I have served myself first.  I then continue to be selfish because making the other person happy makes me happy.  I am giving out of a true place in my heart, not out of obligation.

We have all had our heart broken.  Remember thinking the other person was cruel and selfish?  In fact, we were the one’s being cruel in not allowing the other to be selfish.  We wanted that person to stay even though it did not make them happy.  Is it not cruel to wish unhappiness on a person we supposedly “love?”  If we served the greater good in our true self we would want the one’s we love to live their own life, whether we agree with it or not.  I have been on both sides of this scenario and I can say that I have never felt love from someone who was desperate to keep me at the expense of us both.

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Many years ago when I had my affair, I believe that was my most selfless moment.  I was not putting me or any one first.  I was hurting myself and therefore, hurting my family.  If I had thought higher of myself, had more confidence, but most importantly, had been a more aware human being, I would not have let my ego rule my life.  I fed my ego that wanted to feel needed, smart, and beautiful.   I allowed it to hurt me beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  If I had had love for my true self, I would not have went on a journey that led me to wanting to end my life.

images1For me, being selfish is putting myself first so that I can be the best I can be to others.  How can I be a present and loving mother if I never take time for what is important to me?   Being fulfilled in my own life, that is doing what makes me happy, also creates a higher self-awareness, makes me a better wife, more helpful to others, and more pleasant to be around.  It is why I sit here and write.  I want to help others because it fulfills my soul.

 


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A Book Is All It Took

Fear Becomes Me, Part Two, is where I last left my story of divorce.  If I had to name the darkest hour of my life, it would be where I am now in my story.  The fear of being sick ruled my mind, and thus my life on every level.  It was a miserable existence and if not for my children, I am not sure I would be alive today.  To know that I allowed something, unwarranted no less, to rule my life really pisses me off, to be honest.  It was a waste of time and precious life, but I know too that it was uncontrollable at the time.  It directed my life onto a different path and for that part I am grateful.  My regret is that I stayed in that black hole for so long.

Every morning and every night I woke up unable to sleep, my first thought was always of what was wrong with me.  I went through this methodical process of trying to make sense of every symptom I was feeling, what could be causing it all and what action I should take to make it all go away.  Hundreds of times a day I would go through this cycle of thought.  My OCD tendencies that I would call mild, seemed to have grabbed hold of this new predicament and relished it like water to the desert.  It was a gloomy existence that turned to thoughts of wishing desperately that death would take me and release me from my prison sentence.  Each time I was in my car alone, I would sink into a space somewhere between peace and surrender, wishing that I would crash and all my pain inside and out would be instantly gone.

I believe somewhere deep deep inside, my suppressed soul was desperately trying to reach me.  My mother had recommended a book to me (which I’ve decided to keep anonymous).  Like all bits of hope thrown my way, I bee-lined to the book store.  And there I was, in the middle of the night, sleepless as usual, reading this book with a now common determination and desperation to find a solution, an answer, a cure, anything.  I was in a grim state during those early morning hours, tears kept welling up and spilling over every few minutes.  I was working myself into another frenzy, a borderline state of panic.   For an unknown reason, I stopped reading and turned to the back of the book.  I read something about contacting the author at an email address.

By this time, I was communicating again with James.  He knew on some minor level my fears, but I kept much of it inside.  I knew, like my husband, mother, and father, he could only take so much of my gloom and doom ramblings.  I had begun to become a phony to everyone now in my life, putting on a happy face for James when I was slowing rotting inside.  So when I read this invitation of sorts, I jumped at the chance to pour out my soul.  I don’t remember much of what I wrote that night, except that I was at a point where I was begging for death.  While fleeting, draining my mind of its poisonous thoughts was cathartic, even though I had no expectations of being heard.

Months later, while still on my miserable, lying, cheating, racked with fear path, I had a missed call and a message on my cell phone.  It was a woman who worked for the author and she wanted to know if I would like to be on his radio show.  I almost fell over.

Up Next:  The Invitation

This post is the continuation of my story and journey to divorce.   You can find my story from the beginning under the category, My Conscious Journey to Divorce.

 

Image credit: http://www.huffingtonpost.com

 


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Fear Becomes Me, Part Two

[Here in my little not-so-private space, I have ever-so-slowly been sharing my story of divorce.  Part One left off with my husband’s discovery of my affair and my struggles with the stress of it all.]

I have spent a good amount of time on the St. Clair river.  Enormous freighters frequently pass through its deep blue water in a deceivingly effortless motion.  When the sun is shining on the wide river, the water is a transparent turquoise to rival any Caribbean sea.  The ships and boats that pass through create waves that bounce back and forth between the shores of the US and Canada.  They have nowhere to go thus creating huge waves in every direction with no rhyme or reason.  These menacing waves however, are no match for the giant metal barges.  At the front of the ships, the water swells to the big bullies in a continuous mound of crystal blue.  On most days, it can not win the fight.

This is how I felt back then, in a constant state of defense.  I was the water, feeling hopelessly pushed around with no control.  I was not deciding my fate, I was letting the situation rule my every move.

After years of secrets, there should have been some form of relief when my husband found out.  I’ve always heard that most people, deep down, want to be caught.  This seems ridiculous at first, but when thinking about the stress of it all, I can really begin to understand it.  However, there was no relief; the stress simply turned to, “How am I going to make this mess work?”  That is the only thought that crossed my mind.  I did not even think about divorce.  There was no love left, no anything left, but divorce did not cross my mind.  I had to continue to live a lie.  I had stopped the affair (for ever, I thought), but the mirage of being happy needed to continue.

So easily, I let my mind trick and suppress my soul.   I think sometimes that my very being had grown tired of me ignoring its warnings and just went into a deep dark corner where it waited in silence.

My mind continued to tell me that I could somehow make this work.  That I could somehow live a life with a man I did not want to be with.  It was around this time that the stress began take a toll on my body.   It began with numbness in my arms and legs,  then into the side of my face, followed by pins and needles in the hands and feet, and unexplainable pain in my arm.

One day early on, I was so afraid I was having a heart attack that I went to the ER.  The nurse there asked if MS ran in my family.  No, I said, but that simple little question set in motion 8 plus years of living in constant fear.  I was sent into full-out panic mode!  I went home and began reading all about MS on the internet.  Yeah, I know (now), BIG mistake!  I have to preface this story by saying that I am somewhat of a hypochondriac and this did not help my situation.

I began to breath fear.  I could not escape the worry that I may have some debilitating disease.  It consumed…every…thought. 

If I thought I was in hell before, this was a whole new kind of hell.  My life quickly became caught in a revolving door of doctors, specialists, herbalists, acupuncturists, psychics, you name it.  If I thought they could help me, I was going to try it.  The craziest part of all of this was that every test (and I had a lot of them), came back negative!  No one had any idea what was wrong with me.  Yet, I continued to search out new and better doctors.  I was happy with each negative test for about two minutes; they did nothing to suppress my fear because I still felt awful.  I would only think, “What if it just hasn’t shown up yet?”  It became my belief that somewhere, somehow, I was going to find the antidote to whatever the hell was wrong with me.

I had even succumbed to trying several anti-depressants.  Emphasis on the word, succombed, because I also have a fear of taking prescriptions.  I had so much anxiety about taking the drugs that it made me feel worse.  I also had so many side-effects to the drugs that were not working anyway, that I finally gave up.  I was going to have to suffer all on my own.

I was a tangled mess of desperation and fear.  I would have slaughtered a pig and painted myself with its blood if I thought it would heal me.

Sadly, actually pathetically, I never believed or thought that the massive amount of stress I was under had anything to do with my symptoms.  I never thought that my very life was becoming dependent on getting out of my current situation.

Up next:  A Book Is All It Took

This post is the continuation of my story and journey to divorce.   You can find my story from the beginning under the category, My Conscious Journey to Divorce.

 


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Forever here.

The current Weekly Challenge is song writing or re-writing of an existing song.   So here’s my version of Shelter From the Storm by Bob Dylan.

Starring so long in shadows with my now sightless eyes
What became of me is now hidden in the mountain of lies
Twisted and contorted wrapped within my fear
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

I walk between two lines my soul seeming divided
Shamed and bloody with this mask I hide it
What have I done for they are all that is dear
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

I close my eyes and wait for the guiding light
It never never comes, it grows weary of my plight
Spitting what is worse I can not look in the mirror
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

I made a lost wish on a dream of a glowing star
Walking aimless away, I could never go that far
Forgotten my wish, nothing left but black fear
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

Inhaling and exhaling the breeze brushing through my hair
Quiet soft moments often linger with a pleasing dare
Always a coward of sorts, I can only sit and leer
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

The star long forgotten, my wish knocked at my door
She loved me like angels and lifted me from the floor
With nothing left to spare she would finally appear
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

As deserving as Mary I was hopeless and scared to see
Born with a sacred gift and yet feeling no love for me
But for rivers and streams, I could be all you hold dear
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

No matter now I walk the winding trail happily alone
The stars shine bright and guide me down the path shown
A gladiator from long ago I walk with only my bloody spear
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

I want all you forgotten, I want to begin with a clean slate
Suffering was swept out to sea with all who came to hate
They are now lost to me but I dare not shed a tear
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

Nothing seems real when my happiness flows with the tides
I am revived in this long journey but still wait to die
Show me my love the path once more, I know you are near
“Don’t be scared,” he said, “I will wait for you forever here”

 

Check out these other “remixes”…

  1. I’m a Writer, Yes I Am
  2. “Whine Like a Beagle”
  3. Bumblepuppies
  4. Edward Snowden Insults My Intelligence
  5. Suzie81 Speaks
  6. Me Grandfather’s Clock.
  7. Mad Meandering Me
  8. Weekly Writing Challenge: To the Tune of…
  9. Jackie’s Travels
  10. Shit
  11. A beetle with earrings
  12. Is there something on the road?
  13. New Teacher Life
  14. because I teach it
  15. eastelmhurst.a.go.go
  16. do you want to use some secret?
  17. Haiverer
  18. To the Tune Of…
  19. Among the Whispers
  20. Happy
  21. Deep in the Heart of Textiles
  22. From the Top!
  23. MARGARET-ROSE STRINGER
  24. Weekly Writing Challenge: To the tune of …
  25. Meaningful Mommy
  26. New Words to an Old Song (Bingo personalized)
  27. Ditch the Bun
  28. “Man! I Feel Like A Tooheys!”
  29. I don’t want to exist. I want to live.
  30. The Insomniac Song (to the tune of “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”)
  31. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  32. Smokey’s woofing happy blues?
  33. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  34. What’s Up Pussycat?
  35. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  36. What a fool believes
  37. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  38. New weekly Challenge
  39. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  40. Awesome Kitty Strikes again!
  41. Spank !
  42. Fat Bottomed Girl
  43. A Maniac’s Menagerie of Motley Thoughts
  44. Tik Tok, Harry Potter…
  45. asnappshot
  46. weekly Writing Challenge: Jack and Jill the whole story
  47. Creo Somnium
  48. The Jealous Dog song
  49. Moondustwriter’s Blog
  50. To the Tune of…. #dpchallenge #poetry #lyrics
  51. Jesus, Beer, and My Tiny Kitchen
  52. Brother’s Gaga
  53. Once Upon Your Prime. . .
  54. A Parody with Pecularity and a Little Familiarity!
  55. marsowords
  56. A commuter’s lyric of favorite things
  57. SoundEagle
  58. SoundEagle’s Poetry with Enigma’s Goodbye Milky Way
  59. The Days and Nights of KashmirGirl1976
  60. At Last Parody (in the key of aspiring/new writers)
  61. marsowords
  62. A Mirror’s “I Feel Pretty” Turn Around Reflection
  63. Midlife Crisis Crossover
  64. “Breakfast Supper Nights”: a Tribute to EXTRA Breakfast for Dinner
  65. A Moaner’s Parody of “Let it Go”
  66. “Long Ago”
  67. Drew Llew’s Views
  68. Mermaid’s tresses
  69. Our national delicacy
  70. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  71. Follow my Lead
  72. Glorious Results Of A Misspent Youth
  73. Cheap (Parody of Radiohead’s Creep)
  74. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  75. Start spreading the News
  76. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  77. Let sleeping storms lie
  78. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  79. You’re a Star
  80. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  81. Inspiration
  82. Love Happy Notes – Daily Fun and Inspiration
  83. When Shadows come a creeping
  84. Musings of a Soul Eclectic
  85. All She Wants To Do Is Work
  86. Bumblepuppies
  87. Cats Insult My Intelligence
  88. THE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY BLISS AND MESS
  89. Do not clap along!

 

Photo credit:  bgfons.com


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Who would you be if?

With human contact, comes human stories.  Between personal friends and posts made here, I have listened to and read about some difficult journeys in regards to relationships over the last few months.  Some are right-smack in the middle of it.  Some are in the bitter or angry stage.  For some, time has dulled the pain but a gaping hole still remains.  And some have made it through to the other side stronger than ever before.   I have been hyper-aware to the many stories, probably because of my own personal struggles (and the problems of others seem to make us not feel alone), and they keep leading me to ponder the question, “Who would you be if?”  Who would you be if you never had divorced?  Who would you be if your spouse had not left you?  Who would you be if you were never hurt or betrayed?  The questions and scenarios are endless.

I know from my own personal experience, I can not imagine who I would be without some of my gut-wrenching moments.  Each moment has lead me to who I am now and I hope that is a more “enlightened” individual.  I put quotes around enlightened, because I don’t want anyone to think solely on religious or spiritual terms.  I also mean evolved, aware…wiser.  I know who I am more and more.  My trials and tribulations have sent me down paths that I never knew existed.  Does that mean I encourage these hard moments?  I instinctively say no, of course not, but I am not entirely sure.  I wish more that I could move through the challenging moments more easily.   I am a worry-wart and sensitive and little things to big things weigh on my mind heavily.  That is a trait I still need to work on and life may keep putting challenges in front of me until I figure that out.

My second husband went through a horrible divorce years before we met.  His wife left him and he took it very very hard.  I asked him if he wishes he never had divorced (A load question you may think, but he knew I truly wanted a honest answer and would not have minded if he said yes).  He told me that he is happier now but for the fact he did not see his children as much.  He realized that the relationship he had was not really that great and worth all the heartache he caused himself.  He knew now that he took his wife and life for granted.  He learned that you can not have a happy family and put work before everyone else.  He learned how to better communicate.  He learned how to improve on some of his own personality traits that caused problems within relationships.  He learned how to adapt his business and work to the easier, freer lifestyle he wanted.  None of this may have ever happened.

If I had not divorced, I never would have went back to school (One of the greatest experiences of my life!).  I may never have started writing.  I never would have moved out of the house that depressed me.  I never would have felt truly scared and alone.  I never would have felt my own strength, determination and courage.  I never would have learned how to respect my spouse.  I never would have learned to be less judgmental.  I never would have helped all the people I plan to help (This is my future self talking).  These are just a few, but the personal experiences and the personal growth that have taken place, are immeasurable.  I don’t want to take anything back.  I don’t want to take back a boyfriend dumping me.  I don’t want to take back the experiences of people hurting me.  What I want to take back are the months and months of sadness that I put myself through.  What I want to take back are the wasted hours, minutes, and seconds I spent wondering how I was going to get through it.  People come and people go.  I can embrace that now.  I can appreciate that now for what it is and not what I want it to be.  There is always something grander on the horizon, if I keep my eyes open and choose to see it.  For me, that is one thing I know without a doubt.

Who will you allow yourself to be when one trail ends?  Do you begin a new trail or keep retracing your steps?

 


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Fear Becomes Me, Part One

“Lies and secrets, Tessa, they are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind.” Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

So, there I was on a runaway train.  I contemplated often on how to get out of my situation.  The thought to leave my husband never really occurred to me and the thought of never talking to James again seemed an impossible task.  I think I was just waiting for something to happen.  I had no answer, no solution, so I waited.  For what, I did not know.

There is a feeling I get when I am deeply hurt.  It’s a feeling that goes straight to my heart and chest.  It is part pain and part the feeling of all my breath leaving me.  I can breath, but it doesn’t feel like it is giving me life.  It’s as if my soul has left me and my insides have caved in and will not allow air to enter.  This is also the same feeling I had almost everyday for years and years.  However, it was not brought on by being hurt, it was brought on by fear.  Fear of getting caught.  There were so many times when I would be on the phone or the computer and my husband would unexpectedly come home or come into the computer room.  There were so many times I had to plan to be away and lie about where I was going, wondering if my lies were being bought.  I hated the feeling with a passion but I DID NOT know how to stop it.  I could not break free of the mess I had created.  That is my only excuse.  I just physically and emotionally, could not let go of this person.

The affair and my feelings for James drew me farther and farther away from my husband.  He had become a friend to me and that was where I wanted the relationship to stay.  Of course, my husband wanted more and rightly so.   Over time, I could no longer be all the things a wife should be.  Apart from the stress of getting caught, there was the constant stress of my husband wanting to be intimate.  It truly pained me and I used every excuse in the book to avoid it.  This part of the story is hard to tell and so, I don’t really want to go any further than to make the point that I went to bed in fear every night.

These fears increased ten fold the day I was caught.  It was not my husband who suspected anything, but his parents.  They had me followed one day and video taped me leaving a hotel with James.  My husband confronted me at home after his parents had informed him of the situation.  To express how scared I was seems superfluous.  The only thing I was scared of was my husband leaving me and hurting my children.  James meant nothing to me in that moment.  I remember my husband being very calm.  He asked what I wanted to do.  I, of course, said that I did not want a divorce and that I would stop seeing this person.

My husband’s reaction my seem strange, but if I back up a bit, it will make more sense.  Around this time (and I can not remember if it was before, during or after I was caught), my husband began having an affair as well.   His cold-as-ice demeanor tipped me off immediately (a feeling I had felt once before).  I was petrified he was going to leave our family.  I could not be mad at him for it because I knew I had driven him away, and of course, I had committed the very same act.  This period in time compounded my stress and fear levels immensely.

To go way, way back, my husband was my high school sweetheart.  We dated on and off for seven years before getting married.  The first time he broke up with me, my world had ended.  I didn’t know anything else but him, he was my first love.  I’ll never forget what he said to me the day he left me.  I can only assume it was not horrible enough for him to dump me, so he told me that he didn’t love me and that he never had.  This was the same exact sentiment he told me once again, ten plus years into marriage, on the day I confronted him about his affair.  I don’t believe there are any two moments in my life that come remotely close to the pain I felt on these occasions.  I will never understand the purpose, true or not, of saying those words to anyone.

We both eventually decided to try and make it work.  He ended his affair and I attempted to, unsuccessfully.  Continuing my affair at this point, under heightened security, was the beginning of another journey.  There is only so much stress a body can take before it begins to break down…

Up next:  Fear Becomes Me, Part Two

This post is the continuation of my story and journey to divorce.  My last related post was A Secret Life.  You can find my story from the beginning under the category, My Conscious Journey to Divorce.

 

Photo credit:  www.nevadatree.com