chey being

Seeing what's inside again.


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Are you talkin’ to me?

Do I have a dual personality?

Why is it on some days I feel like I can conquer the world?  I go about my day with confidence and purpose.  Things just fall into place.  Problems, schroblems!  There are no problems.  Life is beautiful.  Everyone is beautiful!  Look at the sky…it’s glorious!  My hair looks fan-freakin’-tastic today!

Next day.

I can’t write one comprehensible paragraph.  My lengthy “To Do List” is freaking me out.  I want to cry because I’m tired of making my bed…every…single…morning…of…my…life.  I’m depressed because I just ate way too many chocolates.  I have to teach a Pilates class and put on spandex once again and now I’m really upset I ate those chocolates!

Am I hormonal?

I hate using that as an excuse because if it’s true than, 1. That is just totally unfair to women and 2. God is cruel.

Am I a runner?

Ya know that movie, “Runaway Bride?”  Well, I think I would be the star of “Runaway From Life, Obligations And All Chance of Failure.”  I think it’s quite catchy!

Am I just going through the 40’s blues?

I’m in my early 40’s now and in your 40’s you start to get those pesky things called wrinkles and the burning desire to Botox the crap out of your face.  You can no longer responsibly get away with wearing a mini-skirt, short shorts, or shop in the Junior Department.  You are no longer mistaken for being in your 20’s because you officially look like you are in your 30’s.  You don’t go to late night parties because who can stay awake at this point?  A date with your PJ’s and the couch sound so much better.

Is my ego just fighting harder?

I feel that I am slowly creeping into my life’s purpose.  Part of me is confused, “Why now?  I feel too old!”  That’s my ego, right?  My self-defeating ego.  My fearful ego.  I have such high hopes for myself.  I’ve always felt that there is something big out there that I am meant to do.  Does everyone have this feeling?  Actually, if I stop and think about it, I could not write a book about divorce if I had never went through divorce.  I believe all my life experiences have been and continue to lead me to this.

So here’s my Ah Ha moment…

I do feel that as I become more aware (more conscious) that my ego is putting up a greater fight.  It’s scared of the unknown.  I am scared of the unknown because my ego is a part of me.  Before, the non-confident part of me (or ego) didn’t have to really show up.  It just had to give a half-assed, “Hey, stupid, you can’t do that!”  I never agreed or disagreed because I didn’t even know I could!  Now I’m responding.  Now I’m having a conversation.  Like, “Hey, are you sure about that? I think I could do that.” So now my lazy ego has to put more effort into this.  It has become more alert and is now saying, “Hey wait a minute boys, she’s goin’ rogue!  We better call in the troops!” AKA more negative, self-defeating thoughts.  I still may be defeated in the end but at the very least I am understanding that I’m allowing myself to be bullied.

Yes, I feel like I have awoken the sleeping dragon.  Kinda cool, huh?  I think it’s time we became friends.

Desolation-of-Smaug-Movie-Dragon

Where’s Bilbo when you need him? 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 


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My moment to Shine..err..I mean, Whine.

Do you ever have one of those days when everything makes you want to cry, whine, or pout?  You’ve been warned.  (WAIT, don’t click that X!  The following is mostly tongue and cheek and meant to make you giggle.  I did not commit to a full-out bitch fest because no one enjoys that, so says my husband anyway.)

1. My son got snippy with me today. I honestly teared up.
2. The pharmacy wanted $102.00 for a prescription nose spray that was not covered by my insurance. NOSE SPRAY. $102, with a coupon mind you. Is there cocaine in this stuff? I wanted to cry.
3. The waitress at lunch today, whom I see all the time, acted like she didn’t know me. It hurt my feelings.
4. My internet was not working this morning. You would have thought my house was on fire! I didn’t handle it well. The only upside was that I was home alone. There are no witnesses.
5. I ate yet another Amy’s caramel chocolate nut something or other bar today. I am obsessed with chocolate these days (OK months, but who’s counting?) and I have no control over it. What is my problem? While training for my Barre Pilates certification, I have been exercising like Richard Simmon’s on crack for the last seven days straight! I have NOT lost any weight. I don’t need to lose weight, but I say this only to emphasize how much chocolate I have been eating!

The worst part of it all is I just want a free pass. Can’t women get a free pass once and awhile? I don’t know if it’s hormonal…Of course it’s hormonal! I’m a wonderful person! 😉 but, I literally do not feel in control of myself sometimes. My husband doesn’t believe in free passes, or hormones, or bitches can be moody sometimes (I’m joking people…laugh). My lovely spouse and I argued at lunch and sat in silence for most of it. So, needless to say, I would not recommend coming over for dinner this evening. I think I will lock myself in my room for the evening. I can do that, right? I wish. Mom’s can not do that. I’m pretty sure Moses wrote this in stone somewhere. We must put on our happy faces and frilly aprons and pretend. Pretend that everything is OK. Smile, you’re on camera (the children are the camera…in case you didn’t get that) Sigh.

Side note: As mentioned, I’ve been hard at work on my certification and now I’m taking off for 1/2 the month to hike in the mountains. It will be just me and my mom and maybe a few rattlesnakes. I have really missed reading and communicating with my favorite bloggers! Things will slow down towards the end of the month and I will be back again writing about all those happy topics, like divorce and sucky relationships 🙂 Or, if you don’t hear from me, I have fallen off a cliff and please send for help before the vultures get me or I have to amputate my own arm (was that too rough?). Sorry. I could never bring myself to watch that movie…now that was too rough!

 

Photo credit:  www.funnymisfit.com