chey being

Seeing what's inside again.


2 Comments

Are you talkin’ to me?

Do I have a dual personality?

Why is it on some days I feel like I can conquer the world?  I go about my day with confidence and purpose.  Things just fall into place.  Problems, schroblems!  There are no problems.  Life is beautiful.  Everyone is beautiful!  Look at the sky…it’s glorious!  My hair looks fan-freakin’-tastic today!

Next day.

I can’t write one comprehensible paragraph.  My lengthy “To Do List” is freaking me out.  I want to cry because I’m tired of making my bed…every…single…morning…of…my…life.  I’m depressed because I just ate way too many chocolates.  I have to teach a Pilates class and put on spandex once again and now I’m really upset I ate those chocolates!

Am I hormonal?

I hate using that as an excuse because if it’s true than, 1. That is just totally unfair to women and 2. God is cruel.

Am I a runner?

Ya know that movie, “Runaway Bride?”  Well, I think I would be the star of “Runaway From Life, Obligations And All Chance of Failure.”  I think it’s quite catchy!

Am I just going through the 40’s blues?

I’m in my early 40’s now and in your 40’s you start to get those pesky things called wrinkles and the burning desire to Botox the crap out of your face.  You can no longer responsibly get away with wearing a mini-skirt, short shorts, or shop in the Junior Department.  You are no longer mistaken for being in your 20’s because you officially look like you are in your 30’s.  You don’t go to late night parties because who can stay awake at this point?  A date with your PJ’s and the couch sound so much better.

Is my ego just fighting harder?

I feel that I am slowly creeping into my life’s purpose.  Part of me is confused, “Why now?  I feel too old!”  That’s my ego, right?  My self-defeating ego.  My fearful ego.  I have such high hopes for myself.  I’ve always felt that there is something big out there that I am meant to do.  Does everyone have this feeling?  Actually, if I stop and think about it, I could not write a book about divorce if I had never went through divorce.  I believe all my life experiences have been and continue to lead me to this.

So here’s my Ah Ha moment…

I do feel that as I become more aware (more conscious) that my ego is putting up a greater fight.  It’s scared of the unknown.  I am scared of the unknown because my ego is a part of me.  Before, the non-confident part of me (or ego) didn’t have to really show up.  It just had to give a half-assed, “Hey, stupid, you can’t do that!”  I never agreed or disagreed because I didn’t even know I could!  Now I’m responding.  Now I’m having a conversation.  Like, “Hey, are you sure about that? I think I could do that.” So now my lazy ego has to put more effort into this.  It has become more alert and is now saying, “Hey wait a minute boys, she’s goin’ rogue!  We better call in the troops!” AKA more negative, self-defeating thoughts.  I still may be defeated in the end but at the very least I am understanding that I’m allowing myself to be bullied.

Yes, I feel like I have awoken the sleeping dragon.  Kinda cool, huh?  I think it’s time we became friends.

Desolation-of-Smaug-Movie-Dragon

Where’s Bilbo when you need him? 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 


9 Comments

Embracing a Bad Day

I woke up yesterday morning not feeling the greatest.  I felt overwhelmed and underwhelmed with life all at the same time.  I am quite confident that anyone with a pulse has been there.  With so many projects in the works and not sure any of it is taking me anywhere, I felt stuck in the middle of a maze.  All of my passions seemed to have dwindled to a spark.  Everything felt very unimportant .  Is this it?  Does anything I’m doing mean anything?  Is this my life?  I was feeling pretty low.

Every time I think of writing about a “bad day,” I think twice and stop myself.  I don’t want to put that kind of energy out there.  I want my writing to have purpose, whether it is healing, thought-provoking, funny, or helpful in some way.  Often times, I will write when I am at my lowest of lows, but just for myself.  I get it out onto my computer and then I simply delete it.  It’s cathartic.  It gives me great comfort because I feel like I have unloaded my burden.  I  have learned the hard way that strong negative emotions are literally poison to my body.  I then feel clear-headed and can move on without all the exaggerated, heightened emotions and get back to reality…which is never that bad!

I think there is a fine line when putting myself out there.  These words we read on our glowing computer screens can often get lost in translation or completely misinterpreted.  They are without the inflection in my voice.  They are devoid of my enthusiasm or pain.  All I can do is hope I group a few of the right words in the right sequence to not only portray my thoughts but to give something.  Hope.  A smile.  A spark.  A knowing.  I want to give something other than the ramblings of my very bad day.

My life isn’t always pretty.  I’m not always pretty.  But I am too aware to get sucked in.  I will only allow myself to hang out at my pity party for so long before I must put on my big girl pants and bail.  Maybe I have to take another look at something from a different perspective.  Maybe I need to appreciate something at that moment that I have been neglecting.  Maybe I need to take action.  Maybe I need to do nothing but sit and find my peace.  Everything has purpose.  Everything has meaning.  I woke up with a self-defeating mind.  I sat around and did nothing.  I had no motivation and I felt really guilty about it.

Then I just embraced it.  I found my peace with all the things I didn’t want to feel and felt bad about feeling.  And when I did that…I actually felt better.

Oh, and today was a better day!  Have a fabulous weekend all!