chey being

For my untempered heart

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How are you going to go out?

The Secret Of Life.

This short little video above is about life, but instead, it really made me think about death.  As a young child I had an abnormal fear of death.  I remember several occasions when I was very young, laying awake at night in a layer of sweat worrying about dying.  These episodes subsided as I grew up because like most people, I became quite adapt at shutting out topics I didn’t want to think about.

As the years have past, I am not sure if I have done well avoiding the topic or if it is simply something most of us think about but rarely talk about.  Each decade of my life that passes, I seem to think about it more.  It’s there looming of course, and becoming ever more a clearer reality.


OK, I really am not wanting to write some depressing post…no, seriously!  In fact, this post is about letting go of the fear of death and the fear of LIFE.  In the video, there is a line, “The fear of death is completely obsurd because if you’re dead you got nothing to worry about, so you’ll be alright.”  It sounds stupid simple but it makes a good point.  When I really stop and think about it, I am more afraid of being in pain and/or suffering than not existing on this planet.  The whole non-existing thing well, depending on your beliefs, it just might be the most amazing thing ever.

I am grateful that I no longer have mini panic attacks over dying.  Maybe it comes with maturity, maybe it comes with being less fearful in life, or maybe it just comes when you’re plain worn out from life.  I am grateful for the fact that the older I get, the more I let go of fear, the more I want to do whatever the hell I want to do!  Amen to Bucket Lists!  I wish to God that I would have felt this way 20 years ago, but…no regrets.  Perhaps, this is exactly what I came here to experience.  Whatever the reason for my transformation, I now fear not living more than I fear death.

What is important is only this very moment.  What are you going to do with this very moment?  Life isn’t about the drama, the temporary problems, or even that traffic jam that we overreact to (You know who you are!!).  Life is about that feeling you get when your child gives you the biggest hug for no reason, it’s about walking barefoot in the grass, it’s about making someone’s day, and it’s about whatever makes you STOP and feelhearsmell…or taste.

It’s so easy to romanticize, but it really does come down to a choice.  Your choice.  It’s not about “If that didn’t,” or “When that happens.”  It’s about right now, changing your focus, changing your perspective and letting go of the security blanket that is really having the opposite effect.  Sure, we all get down, make excuses ad nauseum, have bad days, or have bad things happen, but the difference is how long we stay in that bad place.  It’s like my writing right now, the longer I am “too busy” to write, the harder it is to get back to what I love.


Now, how are you going to go out?


A F**k It List?

I just read a little snip-it about Joan Rivers doing a F–k It List, as opposed to the popular Bucket List.  I think this is genius!  She feels that at her age, just go for it.  But I say, at any age, we should just go for it!

This naughty but nice list is exactly what I have been attempting to do this year.  I have passed up so many opportunities and dismissed so many ideas in my life because I was always too afraid to fail!  My whole life I have always taken the safe bet.  I made choices based on what I knew I could do, and not just do, do really well.  My motto was to be the best or why bother.  Yes, I know that is ridiculous; it comes from being a pure-bred perfectionist.

By the end of 2013 I came to hate the meaningless work I was doing.  My husband and I worked together every day as well, and that wasn’t working out either.  Thankfully, getting out of it was the easy part, it was letting go that was the hard part.  I admit I like to control things and I have a hard time trusting people.  I didn’t want to pass my work to someone else.  When I realized I needed to put trust in other people and have faith that my letting go would benefit everyone, it was like a hundred pound weight had been lifted.  Seriously, angels were singing!  It was glorious!

The next hard part was figuring out what I wanted to do.  There I was on the verge of a new year, 42 years old, and still did not know what I wanted to do when I grew up.  So, I just let it go.  I surrendered and I put it out to the universe.  With tears pouring down my face, I asked for guidance.  I asked for a clear picture of what I am to do.  For the first time ever, I wasn’t worried.  I knew it would come.

And it did.

And for the first time in my life, I am saying, “F–K IT!”

Welcome to #1 on my list:  Start a blog and write, write, write.