chey being

Seeing what's inside again.


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Calm in the midst of storms

Calm is not a word that most people would use to describe me.  When problems arise, or what I perceive as a problem, I get agitated.  Degree of agitation is dependent upon the imposed degree of the problem.  Reasons for my agitation would most likely be that I don’t like things messy.  I like to have control (ding ding, Type A).  I don’t like being side-tracked by an issue that now needs my attention.  And mostly because I worry.  A lot.  I am an excitable person about everything, not just problems.  So on the good side, I would squeal and do a happy dance for something as little as my husband actually going on a bike ride with me.

The good side I like, that bad side, not so much.  It is something I have been working on for years and have actually made some progress on; however, for the last two weeks I have been quite zen like in the face of problems…

The beginning started with a doozy.  The simmering volcano that was my marriage, finally erupted.  I did it.  I said the words, “I want a divorce.”  I wasn’t scared.  I felt only peace and the lightness from the burden that was no longer there.  I didn’t have any fight or care left in me.  I knew without a doubt that this was it for me.  I should have been worried.  Financially, I really should have been worried.  But I wasn’t.  I had faith.  I knew it would all work out no matter what.  I was calm.

Then came the pleading, begging, and crying.  Two days later, I could only take so much and I cracked under the pressure.  I made ultimatums.  He made promises.  I don’t know if it will last, but everything is different.  It is better than I can ever remember it.  It’s sad that it had to come to this.  It’s sad that we both had to suffer for so long.  The hardest part was actually going back on what I knew was right for me, getting a divorce.  I felt that I had betrayed myself.  I didn’t trust that he would change, but I allowed myself to give it time.  I allowed myself to breath and be calm.  I gave myself permission to try again one last time.

Doozy #2.  It was late Monday evening and because I can never sit still for long, I got up to grab something.  I went down a step, my foot twisted at the ankle, I heard an awful snap, crackle, pop, and I went down screaming.  Right before my eyes flashed my career for how ever long it would take me to re-coupe.  I had just finished my Pilates Barre certification and will be testing out soon for my Mat cert and now I can’t even walk.  I was raring to go and finally get a job!  I need and want to work.  And now I am reduced to a couch potato.  What can I do?  Maybe the universe is telling me to slow down.  Maybe the universe is telling me to sit down and write.  Maybe the universe is telling me that I suck at Pilates…Nah!  Whatever it is, this ex-mover and shaker is actually calm.

Doozy #3.  There is a thief among us.  A day later, my husband came home from work in hysterics.  Apparently, some items had been stolen at a warehouse in which we operate a business.  It could be our new employee.  It could be the other company’s employees that share the space.  No one trusts anyone.  (What happened to the good ole days where you didn’t have to lock shit up?)  My husband’s crazy eyes were caused by the thought of having to let go of our new employee whom he felt was irreplaceable.  First of all, no one is irreplaceable.  My husband also thought that I was going to have a fit because I tell him all the time that he is too trusting.  He relayed the story to me like a teenager trying to tell his parents that he wrecked the car.  I listened with the calmness of…an angel?  Buddha?  The sea?  A stoned hippie?  Well, I think I’ve made my point…I was freakin’ calm.  I was so calm in fact, that after relaying my thoughts and solutions to the matter, my calmness had transferred unto my husband who now looked like he needed a nap.

The most important question here is, how has this happened?  Actually, more importantly, how can I get me some more!  Maybe it was the 21 Day Mantra I had signed up for.  (Just between us, I only completed 6 days.)  Maybe I had reached some internal breaking point and just decided to let go and let live.  I think the change in my marriage has had a huge impact.  I am less stressed.  I don’t feel like I’m walking on egg shells.  I know that I won’t go back to the drama, so I have a peace knowing that I am strong enough to walk away if necessary.  It is really awesome being calm in a crisis.  I just want to skip around the room whoopin’ and hollerin’!

 

Photo credit:  askinyourface.com

 

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Who would you be if?

With human contact, comes human stories.  Between personal friends and posts made here, I have listened to and read about some difficult journeys in regards to relationships over the last few months.  Some are right-smack in the middle of it.  Some are in the bitter or angry stage.  For some, time has dulled the pain but a gaping hole still remains.  And some have made it through to the other side stronger than ever before.   I have been hyper-aware to the many stories, probably because of my own personal struggles (and the problems of others seem to make us not feel alone), and they keep leading me to ponder the question, “Who would you be if?”  Who would you be if you never had divorced?  Who would you be if your spouse had not left you?  Who would you be if you were never hurt or betrayed?  The questions and scenarios are endless.

I know from my own personal experience, I can not imagine who I would be without some of my gut-wrenching moments.  Each moment has lead me to who I am now and I hope that is a more “enlightened” individual.  I put quotes around enlightened, because I don’t want anyone to think solely on religious or spiritual terms.  I also mean evolved, aware…wiser.  I know who I am more and more.  My trials and tribulations have sent me down paths that I never knew existed.  Does that mean I encourage these hard moments?  I instinctively say no, of course not, but I am not entirely sure.  I wish more that I could move through the challenging moments more easily.   I am a worry-wart and sensitive and little things to big things weigh on my mind heavily.  That is a trait I still need to work on and life may keep putting challenges in front of me until I figure that out.

My second husband went through a horrible divorce years before we met.  His wife left him and he took it very very hard.  I asked him if he wishes he never had divorced (A load question you may think, but he knew I truly wanted a honest answer and would not have minded if he said yes).  He told me that he is happier now but for the fact he did not see his children as much.  He realized that the relationship he had was not really that great and worth all the heartache he caused himself.  He knew now that he took his wife and life for granted.  He learned that you can not have a happy family and put work before everyone else.  He learned how to better communicate.  He learned how to improve on some of his own personality traits that caused problems within relationships.  He learned how to adapt his business and work to the easier, freer lifestyle he wanted.  None of this may have ever happened.

If I had not divorced, I never would have went back to school (One of the greatest experiences of my life!).  I may never have started writing.  I never would have moved out of the house that depressed me.  I never would have felt truly scared and alone.  I never would have felt my own strength, determination and courage.  I never would have learned how to respect my spouse.  I never would have learned to be less judgmental.  I never would have helped all the people I plan to help (This is my future self talking).  These are just a few, but the personal experiences and the personal growth that have taken place, are immeasurable.  I don’t want to take anything back.  I don’t want to take back a boyfriend dumping me.  I don’t want to take back the experiences of people hurting me.  What I want to take back are the months and months of sadness that I put myself through.  What I want to take back are the wasted hours, minutes, and seconds I spent wondering how I was going to get through it.  People come and people go.  I can embrace that now.  I can appreciate that now for what it is and not what I want it to be.  There is always something grander on the horizon, if I keep my eyes open and choose to see it.  For me, that is one thing I know without a doubt.

Who will you allow yourself to be when one trail ends?  Do you begin a new trail or keep retracing your steps?

 


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A word about the word, Conscious.

Google defines conscious as, aware of and responding to one’s surroundings; awake.

The word “conscious” has been in the media quite a bit recently since Gwyneth Paltrow (famous actress) announced her “Conscious Uncoupling.” Seven years ago, I began to write my thoughts about my path to divorce and titled it, My Conscious Journey to Divorce (which I also use in my blog). When I heard the phrase that Paltrow used to describe her separation, it made me very happy; I could really understand the meaning behind it. Then, much to my surprise, immediately following the announcement, Paltrow was ridiculed for how she came forth with her news. Now, I understand that she has a certain “goody two-shoes” reputation, and thus every move she makes is seen through this lens. However, I find it incredibly sad. Here is someone who is actually divorcing SMART! I believe her phrase tells the world that she and her husband are making a conscious effort to do right by everyone. They are not letting emotions run the terms of their separation. This decision should be praised, talked about in high regard, and emulated. How wonderful this is for the children! And no, you don’t have to be rich to emulate another person’s actions.

After my ex and I told our children we were divorcing, I lived at home for the six months it took for our divorce to finalize. It spoke volumes to our children. They were extremely frightened because they did not know what was going to happen, but their world did not immediately change. They were able to adjust to the idea without having to adjust to ten other things at the same time. They could see that their mom and dad could treat each other respectfully even though they were no longer going to be married. I believe this was instrumental in my children adjusting so well from my divorce. Was it easy? Of course not. But we were doing everything we could do make it as easy as possible for them. We made a conscious effort in separating to help our children through it. I also came to decide upon divorce in a conscious manner. That is so important. I will talk about this further as I continue my posts on my journey (see below).

I understand that everyone’s situation is unique and we all have a story. I simply want to create awareness. How conscious are you? Are you letting your emotions rule your life? As the word conscious is defined, are you awake?

In the beginning..

My Decent.

A secret life..