chey being

Seeing what's inside again.


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What the bleep do I want?

The lovely, witty, funny, and talented  Amanda Insidethelifeofmoi allowed ME to write the following Guest Post for her hugely successful blog!  If your one of the few who are not already following her, please check her out!  Thanks again Amanda!

This may seem a bit selfish at first glance.  The “me, me, me,” of my inner two year old, but au contraire my darlings.  

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A good portion of my life has been spent reacting.  Something happens, big or small, and I am veered off in that direction.  I’m not talking about having an attention disorder or OCD, such as in a typical day of mine:   Making my way to the bathroom, spot a piece of lint on the carpet, must pick up.  Walk by the laundry room; should really stop and throw a load in.  Walk by the kitchen, “Did someone leave their plate out?”  Better clean that up.  The pillows on the couch are smooshed; must fluff!  Eventually my bladder says to me, “Hey lady, can we make it to the bathroom at some point here?”  Oh, right!

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I am talking about life on a grander scale, like those pesky things called relationships, careers, and dreams.  When we don’t know what we want in life, we simply follow along with whatever comes our way.  We may even have a muffled whisper deep down trying desperately to communicate with us, but we are too afraid to listen.  We may even make excuses like me, an expert at talking myself into anything!  Here are a few pernicious examples from my life:

1.  I really wanted to finish my Bachelor’s Degree in Communications.  I had made it so far but I had a fiance now and didn’t really need to work, so I quit.  I told myself I was tired of school and the money it cost would be a waste if I wasn’t going to get a job anyway.  Lazy ass.

2.  My inner voice, “You need to write.”  My all-controlling mind, “You should help your husband with his business and spend all day on the computer doing work you hate because at least you will be useful.”  How did I talk myself into that one?

3.  After my divorce, I told myself that I really wanted to be with someone who has the same spiritual views as me.  Met someone.  Did not have the same views.  Oh well…he gets along so great with my kids; it must be right!  Insert eye roll.

4.  Years ago, I had numerous “unexplainable” health issues.  I didn’t want to think or believe that it was my jacked-up life causing these problems, or my inner soul desperately sending me wake-up calls.  So I reacted to my body and  focused on 1. Freaking out and  2. Visiting every western and eastern medicine doctor within a 100 mile radius.

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There have often been times when I am so out-of-tune with myself that I was truly only reacting to life.  Almost hoping, waiting for something or someone to come along to fill the void and lead the way for me.

Years ago, I was asked by a well-known author and spiritual leader, “What is it you want my dear?”

“Ummm…,” I said, looking somewhat like a deer caught in head lights.  This was also in front of a large group of people which did not help in the least.  They all seemed to look at me, just waiting.  I could only imagine them thinking, “Who doesn’t know what they want? Loser.”

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He told me that we were going to take a break, I could think about it, and we would continue discussing it when we all returned.

I went back to my hotel room and thought about it.  I thought about it for so long and with no results, that I began to panic.  What was wrong with me?  I never did come up with an answer.  When we all reconvened and I had nothing of worthiness to report, I thought I sensed the questioner’s slight disappointment.  It was humiliating.  I felt like a total failure.

If we don’t know what we want, we will simply live a life of reaction to everything and everyone around us.  Every ache or pain will become our focus.  Every person that annoys us will distract us.  Every little blip in the road will be greeted with our undivided attention.  We will allow ourselves to be dragged into other people’s drama.  The options for distractions are endless.

How can we know what to do and where to go if we really have no idea what we truly want?

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At the beginning of the year, I had to make a change (remember that work I hated?), but I seriously had NO clue what to do!  I asked and I listened (OK, maybe I pleaded a bit) with no answer, but I decided that I had to have faith and believe that it would come.  And it did.  I wanted to teach Pilates and I wanted to finally sit down and write.  Within seven months, I completed my training and am now teaching.  I also started my blog….I am finally writing.

I have to be honest though, some of my “life diversions” have led me to grander things and seemed to have served some purpose to where I am now.  Maybe it’s more about knowing when to get off the path that has become too treacherous than getting on; however, I also think we often take the back winding country roads, when we could have taken the expressway.

Every day I am practicing to be aware and to “read the signs,” because they are there.  Life is speaking to us every moment in every way imaginable and unimaginable.  If we would only stop and listen.


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Leave no trace behind – Part 2

 Student, Teacher Weekly Writing Challenge

The original, Leave no trace behind?, was a metaphorically view in reference to children.  This post is a literal view.

I spent the last 10 days hiking in some of the most beautiful areas of Utah.  I saw arches, caves, mountain ranges, canyons, hoodoos, and Indian rock art, just to name a few.  Within the same week, I hiked in rain, hot desert sun, snow, and extreme wind whose mission was to cover every part of me in desert dirt and sand.  And I loved every minute of it.  There is something about pushing my body, achieving that goal to get to the finish line, and being really dirty that makes me feel alive!

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I visit Utah once or twice a year and spend the entire time hiking. I always leave with the memories of amazing adventures and breath-taking views; however, this time in particular had more meaning. During my visit, I saw numerous petroglyphs, pictoglyphs, and pictographs.  I also saw a staggering amount of graffiti.  It left me with a feeling of sadness and a desire to protect what has lasted for centuries.

What drives someone to leave their “mark” in a particular spot? Most markings have no meaning to anyone else but that person.  Do you know A.K.  ♥  M.G?  Me neither.  I believe the desire to deface something is a combination of ego and immaturity. With the ego, one feels entitled, some how special that they must leave a part of them behind.  The ego makes one believe that they are separate from everything else, thus damaging sacred ruins means nothing personally.  Right in front of me, the boyfriend of a young couple was carving their names into a rock.  They had no thought or care to the ugliness they were leaving behind.  I wonder if he would mind if every person that passed his car in a parking lot, went up and keyed their initials in it to say, “Hey, I was here!”  Imagine a beautiful new 2014 Corvette.  Everyone stops and admires its beauty and design.  Now imagine scratches, writing, spray paint and drawings all over what was shiny new paint.  It creates a totally different picture, doesn’t it?

I understand and respect the desire to leave a piece of us behind or mark a momentous occasion, but what is really being left behind?  Defacing Mother Nature creates sadness when others see it and costs money to pay those who have to try and remove it.  Is that what was meant to be left behind?  Probably not.  There are many, many more places I want to explore and my desire is that they will still feel untouched, for me and for those after me.  I want everyone to be able to witness the history of a people long gone and the incredible formations the earth has left behind.  Take a picture and bring the memory home.  Tell someone about it.  Sharing what was witnessed is a mark not left on the earth, but left with someone else.  And who knows where that could lead…

(This post is not only for the Weekly Challenge but also part of a Guest Blogger project for Blogging 201.  A few weeks back, I had the pleasure of posting a Guest Blogger (Please check out her awesome blog!) and I am only now able to fulfill my end of the bargain!  You can find my blog here.)

Featured Image:  http://www.nps.gov

“Hot” and “Cold” photos by Chey

 


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Sharing Stories

I am very happy to present below, a guest blogger!  Dear Claire has been very generous in sharing her story and allowing me to post it here on my blog.  Please be sure to check out her beautiful blog where she is “Saving the planet, one green tip at a time.” 

 

I have had the recent pleasure of taking part in the http://dailypost.wordpress.com/courses/blogging-201-branding-and-growth/ course.  One of the unexpected bonuses of participating is that I’ve discovered bloggers all around the world who write on such a variety of topics.  Chey Being caught my attention as a fellow blogging student as she writes on a slightly different topic to most ‘divorce’.

My divorce isn’t something I’ve written about in public before but reading Chey Being has given me the confidence to do so.

Back in 2005 I was going through a very rough time in my life having just lost my two grandparents who brought me up and Richard was there to comfort me.  The relationship very quickly progressed and we were living together within only a few weeks and engaged within a few months.  I’m quite an introvert really and find relationships quite difficult and so Richard was in fact my first real relationship so I was swept away.

By 2008 we had our first beautiful child together and were pressured by then by his parents to get married as they didn’t like us being unmarried parents.  To be honest, we nearly split up just before I found out I was pregnant as I found out Richard was exchanging explicit sexual text messages with another much younger woman.  However, with a baby on its way and my confidence being incredibly low I decided to let the text messages go and give Richard another chance.

Fast-forward to the Summer of 2009 we finally got married.  People say the day of your wedding should be the happiest day of your life, well mine wasn’t.  I had niggling doubts in the days leading up to the wedding but I assumed these were just nerves about the day, I wasn’t allowed to invite my family and friends as Richard didn’t get on with them but again he made me believe this was normal; in fact I hadn’t had any contact with my  own family and friends since he decided he didn’t like them.

My wedding day basically involved me looking after our daughter and him getting drunk with his friends.  Not a great start!

Within two years of being married, Richard had an affair and he had signed up to numerous sex chat websites.  I gradually learned to realise that Richard was being increasingly emotionally abusive towards me, he was forever putting me down, banning me from contacting people, shouting at me and verbally abusing me.  My confidence and self-esteem were at an all time low.

I eventually got admitted to a psychiatric hospital as I tried to take my own life things were that bad.

During recovery, I joined an internet forum for a hobby I have.  Over the space of a few months I built up a wonderful friendship with an American that changed my life.  Tom is a few years younger than I am, but we instantly clicked on the site, initially we just commented on each others posts and shared the occasional joke.

Gradually and I mean very slowly we started to private message each other and I confided in him about my situation.  Tom did an incredible job of rebuilding my confidence, made me feel respectable again and eventually gave me the confidence to leave my husband.  Finally I was free of him and it felt wonderful.  I’ll never forget the feeling of it just being me and my daughter int he house and the feeling of happiness washing over me.  Of course I would still have to deal with him for our daughter’s sake but I no longer had to spend time on my own with him.  It was only now that I realised how terrified I was of him.  My daughter also settled too, she was much happier as she could see me in a much more relaxed way; we played like we hadn’t really played before.

So, now nearly two years after I kicked him out, we’ve both moved on.  He still has regular contact with our daughter and I wouldn’t take that away from her, I have a choice who I’m married to she doesn’t have a choice who her Daddy is.

Tom and I stayed in touch and slowly built up a trans-Atlantic relationship.  We’ve met up in person lots of times through the two years and he makes me feel like no-one else has ever done.  He understands me, brought back my smile, he supports me, treasures me and makes me feel like the most special person in the world.  Hopefully one day in the future he’ll actually live over here in the UK with me as I can’t imagine things any other way 🙂

So I’d like to thank Chey Being for giving me the confidence to write about my divorce as it’s actually one of the best things that has happened to me!

Thanks for reading, here is where I normally blog: http://aimingtobegreen.wordpress.com