chey being

Seeing what's inside again.


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The Meaning of Relationships

As I embark on this next journey in my life, I can’t help but think about what it means, or what it should mean to be in a relationship. Marriage isn’t two souls becoming one. We are already one with everyone (That is my spiritual belief anyway). It isn’t about owning someone as in, I am yours and you are mine. It’s about experiencing yourself through another human. Whether it’s in a marriage, or between lovers, friends, family or even enemies, we are choosing them for a specific experience within ourselves. We should look at all our relationships and ask ourselves, “Is this who I want to be?”

Can you say, “I love who I am when I am with you?”


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Letting Go

As I begin a new chapter of sorts in my life, the following three words have been on my mind:

Attachments

Control

Distractions

I am slowly learning that I can have a preference for the way I would like things to happen, but I must avoid an attachment to it.  What I want and what my soul needs can often be two very different things.  This has been a tough concept for me to accept.  It takes surrendering to the universe.  It takes faith and trust.  Three things that do not come easy for me.

Why does surrendering, faith and trust not come easy for me?  It requires letting go of control. Or rather, the illusion of control because we are never really in control of anything.  Why do I want to control?  Fear.  I often live in a place of fear.  You name it and I fear it.  (Except death.  Oddly, that used to be my greatest fear and now it is my least!)  I fear disappointing people.  I fear not doing something well….anything well.  I fear not living to my potential.  I fear never becoming anything more than what I am.  I fear pain.  I fear never being at peace.  I fear never being truly loved.  I can not control any of these things so I try to find other things I can control such as, keeping my house clean.  Doesn’t that sound insane?  I am laughing at myself just thinking about it.  Honestly, who would guess that my obsession with cleanliness came from fear of life?

Another form of control is using distractions.  If I don’t know what to do with an emotion, or I am trying to write and nothing is coming out, or I simply want to run from what I know I should be doing, I will find a distraction.  Usually, it involves cleaning (again), or running errands.  Again, I find myself laughing at the ridiculousness of it all!  I will make up “To Do Lists” to distract me from the real “To Do List!”

These are things I am learning to recognize in myself.  Now the trick is that once I recognize what I am doing that I STOP doing it!

As I begin to peel back layers of myself, I am finding a lot of deep seeded issues.  Feelings and thought patterns that have been ruling my life.  I want to zip myself back up and not deal with it because I am not sure how.  There are times when I feel I do not have the tools or support to take on my own self.  But I do.  I do.  Everything I need is already inside me.  I have to learn to trust it.  I have to learn to have faith.

I also have to learn to let others help me.  This is something I have recently discovered about myself…I find it almost impossible to accept help from others!  I think this comes from four things, 1. I am often let down by others so if I don’t rely on any one, they can’t let me down, 2. I don’t have to put expectations of myself that could lead to failure, 3.  I was brought up in a family that taught me that to ask for help was placing a burden on others and we simply did not do that, 4.  I don’t feel worthy of any one’s help.  When I think about all of these together, the thick brick wall I put up makes so much sense when others offer me help!

I think the first one is the toughest for me to overcome and that goes back to not having attachments, but there is a huge part of me that wants to believe in someone.  Believe they really care and will do as they say.  I have to believe that there are people out there that are true to their word.  I desperately want to believe that but I sense that I need to let go of that desire as well.  Am I wanting these things for the wrong reason?  Am I just wanting to be taken care of?  Am I wanting an escape from what I should do myself?  Do I place too high of expectations on others?  These are questions I don’t have the answers to yet.

After writing through that, I now think number four is the toughest…I don’t feel worthy.  If I don’t think I am worthy, no one else will.  Hmm…that might be a good place to start.

I am worthy.


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Are you talkin’ to me?

Do I have a dual personality?

Why is it on some days I feel like I can conquer the world?  I go about my day with confidence and purpose.  Things just fall into place.  Problems, schroblems!  There are no problems.  Life is beautiful.  Everyone is beautiful!  Look at the sky…it’s glorious!  My hair looks fan-freakin’-tastic today!

Next day.

I can’t write one comprehensible paragraph.  My lengthy “To Do List” is freaking me out.  I want to cry because I’m tired of making my bed…every…single…morning…of…my…life.  I’m depressed because I just ate way too many chocolates.  I have to teach a Pilates class and put on spandex once again and now I’m really upset I ate those chocolates!

Am I hormonal?

I hate using that as an excuse because if it’s true than, 1. That is just totally unfair to women and 2. God is cruel.

Am I a runner?

Ya know that movie, “Runaway Bride?”  Well, I think I would be the star of “Runaway From Life, Obligations And All Chance of Failure.”  I think it’s quite catchy!

Am I just going through the 40’s blues?

I’m in my early 40’s now and in your 40’s you start to get those pesky things called wrinkles and the burning desire to Botox the crap out of your face.  You can no longer responsibly get away with wearing a mini-skirt, short shorts, or shop in the Junior Department.  You are no longer mistaken for being in your 20’s because you officially look like you are in your 30’s.  You don’t go to late night parties because who can stay awake at this point?  A date with your PJ’s and the couch sound so much better.

Is my ego just fighting harder?

I feel that I am slowly creeping into my life’s purpose.  Part of me is confused, “Why now?  I feel too old!”  That’s my ego, right?  My self-defeating ego.  My fearful ego.  I have such high hopes for myself.  I’ve always felt that there is something big out there that I am meant to do.  Does everyone have this feeling?  Actually, if I stop and think about it, I could not write a book about divorce if I had never went through divorce.  I believe all my life experiences have been and continue to lead me to this.

So here’s my Ah Ha moment…

I do feel that as I become more aware (more conscious) that my ego is putting up a greater fight.  It’s scared of the unknown.  I am scared of the unknown because my ego is a part of me.  Before, the non-confident part of me (or ego) didn’t have to really show up.  It just had to give a half-assed, “Hey, stupid, you can’t do that!”  I never agreed or disagreed because I didn’t even know I could!  Now I’m responding.  Now I’m having a conversation.  Like, “Hey, are you sure about that? I think I could do that.” So now my lazy ego has to put more effort into this.  It has become more alert and is now saying, “Hey wait a minute boys, she’s goin’ rogue!  We better call in the troops!” AKA more negative, self-defeating thoughts.  I still may be defeated in the end but at the very least I am understanding that I’m allowing myself to be bullied.

Yes, I feel like I have awoken the sleeping dragon.  Kinda cool, huh?  I think it’s time we became friends.

Desolation-of-Smaug-Movie-Dragon

Where’s Bilbo when you need him? 😉

 

 

 

 

 

 


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Calm in the midst of storms

Calm is not a word that most people would use to describe me.  When problems arise, or what I perceive as a problem, I get agitated.  Degree of agitation is dependent upon the imposed degree of the problem.  Reasons for my agitation would most likely be that I don’t like things messy.  I like to have control (ding ding, Type A).  I don’t like being side-tracked by an issue that now needs my attention.  And mostly because I worry.  A lot.  I am an excitable person about everything, not just problems.  So on the good side, I would squeal and do a happy dance for something as little as my husband actually going on a bike ride with me.

The good side I like, that bad side, not so much.  It is something I have been working on for years and have actually made some progress on; however, for the last two weeks I have been quite zen like in the face of problems…

The beginning started with a doozy.  The simmering volcano that was my marriage, finally erupted.  I did it.  I said the words, “I want a divorce.”  I wasn’t scared.  I felt only peace and the lightness from the burden that was no longer there.  I didn’t have any fight or care left in me.  I knew without a doubt that this was it for me.  I should have been worried.  Financially, I really should have been worried.  But I wasn’t.  I had faith.  I knew it would all work out no matter what.  I was calm.

Then came the pleading, begging, and crying.  Two days later, I could only take so much and I cracked under the pressure.  I made ultimatums.  He made promises.  I don’t know if it will last, but everything is different.  It is better than I can ever remember it.  It’s sad that it had to come to this.  It’s sad that we both had to suffer for so long.  The hardest part was actually going back on what I knew was right for me, getting a divorce.  I felt that I had betrayed myself.  I didn’t trust that he would change, but I allowed myself to give it time.  I allowed myself to breath and be calm.  I gave myself permission to try again one last time.

Doozy #2.  It was late Monday evening and because I can never sit still for long, I got up to grab something.  I went down a step, my foot twisted at the ankle, I heard an awful snap, crackle, pop, and I went down screaming.  Right before my eyes flashed my career for how ever long it would take me to re-coupe.  I had just finished my Pilates Barre certification and will be testing out soon for my Mat cert and now I can’t even walk.  I was raring to go and finally get a job!  I need and want to work.  And now I am reduced to a couch potato.  What can I do?  Maybe the universe is telling me to slow down.  Maybe the universe is telling me to sit down and write.  Maybe the universe is telling me that I suck at Pilates…Nah!  Whatever it is, this ex-mover and shaker is actually calm.

Doozy #3.  There is a thief among us.  A day later, my husband came home from work in hysterics.  Apparently, some items had been stolen at a warehouse in which we operate a business.  It could be our new employee.  It could be the other company’s employees that share the space.  No one trusts anyone.  (What happened to the good ole days where you didn’t have to lock shit up?)  My husband’s crazy eyes were caused by the thought of having to let go of our new employee whom he felt was irreplaceable.  First of all, no one is irreplaceable.  My husband also thought that I was going to have a fit because I tell him all the time that he is too trusting.  He relayed the story to me like a teenager trying to tell his parents that he wrecked the car.  I listened with the calmness of…an angel?  Buddha?  The sea?  A stoned hippie?  Well, I think I’ve made my point…I was freakin’ calm.  I was so calm in fact, that after relaying my thoughts and solutions to the matter, my calmness had transferred unto my husband who now looked like he needed a nap.

The most important question here is, how has this happened?  Actually, more importantly, how can I get me some more!  Maybe it was the 21 Day Mantra I had signed up for.  (Just between us, I only completed 6 days.)  Maybe I had reached some internal breaking point and just decided to let go and let live.  I think the change in my marriage has had a huge impact.  I am less stressed.  I don’t feel like I’m walking on egg shells.  I know that I won’t go back to the drama, so I have a peace knowing that I am strong enough to walk away if necessary.  It is really awesome being calm in a crisis.  I just want to skip around the room whoopin’ and hollerin’!

 

Photo credit:  askinyourface.com