chey being

For my untempered heart


The Meaning of Relationships

As I embark on this next journey in my life, I can’t help but think about what it means, or what it should mean to be in a relationship. Marriage isn’t two souls becoming one. We are already one with everyone (That is my spiritual belief anyway). It isn’t about owning someone as in, I am yours and you are mine. It’s about experiencing yourself through another human. Whether it’s in a marriage, or between lovers, friends, family or even enemies, we are choosing them for a specific experience within ourselves. We should look at all our relationships and ask ourselves, “Is this who I want to be?”

Can you say, “I love who I am when I am with you?”



Throwback Thursday – Mommy and Me

I woke up feeling a bit sentimental over my mother today.  I find it surprising since I have been upset with her lately.  Try as I might to figure it out, I’ve decided to just allow it.

What is it about mother’s?  I can never be mad at her for long.  Even when she has done horrible things, I still love her, I still need her, and I still want her in my life.


Check out that collar!

We are so alike and yet so different.  On the outside, we look just alike (Ok, you can’t really tell with me as a baby but trust me, we look alike!).  On the inside, we are both strong and creative.  We are both critical and I hate that about myself (Mom, sorry, but I blame you!).  Yet there is something very different that it is hard to put into words.  She is guarded with me if I had to guess, and I will never know or understand why.

Do you think this is a good idea, mom?

Do you think this is a good idea, mom?

We live on opposite ends of the States so we rarely see one another.  I miss her desperately at times.  I envy those that have their mother’s close.  I have always craved a closer relationship with her.  She is very independent and too self-serving to put time into our relationship.  That is my side of the story anyway.  These are my expectations of what I want from her and I know that is something I should not do.  She is who she is and I must love and accept her for that.  And I do, most of the time.

Mom is ruining the picture with her eyes half closed but I am workin' it!

Mom is ruining the picture with her eyes half closed but I am workin’ it!

So Mom, even though you will never see this, I want to say that where ever you are, whatever mountain you are climbing, whatever cave you are exploring, whatever trail you are meandering, I love you til the ends of the earth, which is usually where you are!  I will always crave more of you, but thank you for being there when I have needed you most!



Choosing Fear

It is said that every action is done either out of love or out of fear.  We eat healthy because we love our body or we eat healthy out of fear of getting sick. We may call our significant other because we want to express our love or we call because we fear losing them.  We wear certain clothes because we love how they make us feel or we wear them because we fear not fitting in.  We lose weight out of loving our bodies or we lose weight for fear of others not loving or accepting us.  We strive to win out of the love of challenging ourselves or out of fear of being a failure.

I experienced both sides of that coin the other day after a group meditation.

The mediation inevitably ran long as most gatherings of people do.  I was enjoying sharing everyone’s company and at the end of the evening I coincidentally ended up receiving some useful advice on writing and publishing.  When I went out to my car, I could not believe how long I had stayed over the time I had told my family when I would be home.  It really wasn’t a big deal; no one needed me for anything, and I was on cloud nine from the mediation and the new information I had procured.  I checked my phone before heading home.

Two missed calls from my son and two missed calls from my husband.

I called my son back first.

Me:  Hi honey!
Son:  Hi mom!
Me:  I’m so sorry I am running late.  The group ran long but I am on my way home now.
Son:  That’s OK, I was just checking on you to make sure you were ok.  How was your meeting?
Me:  It was wonderful.  Thank you honey for asking and thinking of me….etc.

Then I called my husband.

Me:  Hi.  I’m sorry but it ran long.  I just wanted to let you know that I’m on my way home now.
Husband:  What have you been doing? (he says rather perturbed)
Me:  Nothing, it just ran long.  We all got to talking but I really learned a lot.
Husband:  You were talking all this time?
Me:  Well….(I go on the explain the evening’s events and none too happily as I have to justify why I’m late and my excuse that he apparently doesn’t seem to believe).
Husband:  Why didn’t you have your phone with you?
Me:  It was a meditation!  You can’t have your phone going off while you’re mediating!

I don’t really remember any more specifics after that other than we started arguing and I eventually hung up on him.

I dreaded going home at this point.  I was so happy just moments before.  What the hell had just happened?  I was really upset that he didn’t even care to hear about all my good news.  I was even more upset that I felt like I was being controlled.

Two very different conversations with two very different outcomes.  I believe one was out of love and one was out of fear.  Fear prompted my husband’s actions.  Fear of me leaving him, fear of me not needing him, fear of me meeting someone “better,” and deep insecurities so old that they have nothing to do with me.

But here I am.  Here I am yet again with the universe showing me that this just isn’t working.  And here I am again…waiting.  Waiting for what?  I don’t know.  I suppose I am waiting for the universe to slap me in the face so many times that I finally must surrender black and blue, or die.

It is said that every action is done either out of love or out of fear.  We stay with someone because we love who we are with them or we stay because we fear hurting people, or because we fear not having enough money, or because we fear we didn’t try hard enough, or because we fear failing yet again, or because…

All of the above.


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