chey being

Seeing what's inside again.


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Signs, signs, everywhere signs.

For the past bunch of months, I have been meditating.  My brain, much like most I’m sure, runs on overdrive.  When I’m not organizing every minute of the day, I am problem solving.  It seems there is always something to “figure out.”   Whether it is something innocuous like, what color should I paint a room, to wondering what I’m going to do about my disintegrating marriage. My lack of self-trust can make every decision monumental.  Always, thinking, thinking, thinking and it’s exhausting!  Hence, mediation.  It has been wonderful, challenging, frustrating, and life changing.  And I’m only getting started!

Since I began,  I have been noticing more and more synchronicity within my life.  Another unexpected change is my sense or awareness to things around me.  Everything is energy and everything has a vibration; therefore, I imagine if I am more “in tune” with that energy or more aware, it makes sense that I would begin to have these feelings about what I thought to be inanimate objects.

imagesWhat is most powerful to me about these changes is that I am not only beginning to listen but that I am beginning to trust.     If I feel something, I just do it.  Ok, this is a work in progress, but the incredible thing is that I contemplate it less and then I actually take the action.  This is quite extraordinary for me because many, if not most of the time, I will question everything to death, thus talking myself right out of it.

For years now I have had an unusually strong feeling towards hawks.  Years ago when I was going through my divorce, I was looking in a particular neighborhood for a place to live.  I would often see a hawk flying around this area.  I can’t explain it but it always made me incredibly happy.  A deep within my soul happy, like my very insides smiled.  Yes, I always thought it was odd to get that excited about a bird but it was exactly how I felt.  It was like a feeling of seeing a giraffe on the side of the road.  That would be a WOW moment, right?  Only for me, it was a hawk.   I had never noticed hawks around this area before, which was only a few blocks from my marital home.  So every so often I would happen to take notice of this beautiful bird whether it was gliding through the sky or perched on a leafless tree branch.

A few days ago, I was driving home and thinking about the book I want to write.  I’ve had a general idea for some time now, but I knew it needed to have more of a central focus or purpose.  While I was driving the last mile home, this focus was coming to me.  It was all flooding in as if a bunch of jumbled numbers were beginning to make sense.  I began talking these ideas into the notes of my phone (because I was driving!!).  When I finished and was less than a block from my house, a huge hawk landed in the middle of the road, right in front of me.  I had never seen a hawk on the ground this close and could not believe how big it actually was.  I had to step on my brakes to avoid hitting it.  It landed, looked at me, realized I was too close and took off again.  It was magnificent.  I took it as a sign that I was on the right track.

indexNormally, I would not have connected the two.  I probably would have forgotten all about my notes or questioned them ad nauseam and let the whole thing sit on my phone until who knows when.

I was in my closet the other day and I felt or almost heard that it wanted to be painted; it felt depressing.  No, not because my wardrobe it slightly sad and boring (or maybe!).  I sort of sloughed it off thinking I DO NOT need to add to my To Do list right now!  I have been feeling very overwhelmed and when I do, I actually tend to add things to my list instead of drop.  I can not explain this behavior.  However, the thought stuck with me long enough to ask my husband what he thought.  He asked me why with his usual “ulterior motive” implication added.  I said that I didn’t know, I just feel it.  He told me that I did not need another thing to do, to which I agreed and dropped the whole thing.

A day or so later, I was running all over town looking for new kitchen rugs.  I was getting frustrated as I felt I was wasting so much time.  I was nearing Home Depot and asked aloud if I should stop.  I needed help and guidance so why not on where to get rugs?  I felt the answer was yes and so I went for it.  Disappointingly, I did not find the rugs I was looking for.  As I was trying to navigate my way out of the store, I wondered why I had felt drawn to stop here when I didn’t find my rugs!  I was walking through the middle “hall” and needed to pass through an aisle to get to the front of the store and out.  Each aisle was blocked with people or equipment and I had to keep walking further and further down.  Finally, I reached an open aisle and turned to walk up and out.  I quickly realized it was the paint aisle.  I knew I needed to buy paint.  With an unused store credit, I purchased my gallon of paint for less than $10 and left the store.

imagesIn the last two month I have been wanting to get a word tattoo on my wrist but I was waffling between a few choices.  While I was away in Costa Rica, we were all given a temporary tattoo to put on for fun and inspiration.  They were all laid out before us and I quickly knew which one I wanted.  It was the words “Surrender” in a perfect size for the back of my wrist.  This word, for me,  is almost laughable to anyone who knows me well because I am somewhat of a control freak.  I find it extremely difficult to surrender to anything!  So I lived with this word on my wrist for a few days and began to feel that this was the word for me.  Of course, in typical Chey fashion, I began to think about what everyone else would think and was beginning to question the whole idea.  I was struggling letting go of what others would think.  I had had oils on my wrists frequently causing the tattoo to become all cakey.  I went to the sink to wash it off so that it wouldn’t rub off on everything.  When I turned on the faucet, it shot water and air at me so hard that I jumped and screamed.  I knew that was my tattoo.

One may think it is all coincidence and maybe it is, but whatever it is, it allows me to feel connected to my true self, away from the self-defeating ego.  The beauty of it is that it is my reality, and thus that is my truth.  There can be nothing else.

imagesI write this to those who feel their chaotic mind is winning more often than not.  I write this to inspire one to meditate.  Maybe that mediation is taking a walk through the woods and listening to the sounds of nature.  Maybe that meditation is being in water, floating and allowing the sounds of life to be muffled away.  Or maybe it is finding a quiet space, sitting still, and listening to your breath.  I write this so that maybe someone will begin to listen to their inner voice that is desperately reaching out.  Unlike myself, I have stifled that inner voice for so long, making life much more complicated than it’s meant to be.

So, what is there to lose?

woman-meditating-beach


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It was easy there.

Just days ago, I was on a trip like no other trip.  It was not a vacation where we run to and fro collecting as many sites and experiences as possible, but rather an exploration and awakening of my soul.  A meditation retreat.  A place where I found safe haven, love and life-long friends.  It was easy there.  I shut myself off from phones, computers, television and family.  I could breathe unencumbered by daily chores, work, family distractions and most importantly, my own go-to forms of distractions and excuses.  I was cared for by loving people making my food and providing me with a clean room to rest.  I was guided by mentors who graciously shared their knowledge as they were born to do.  We were all handed this bounty of love on a beautiful silver platter, there for the taking.  Of course, we all partook.  We all made commitments.  We all created intentions.  We all faced our past, our heartaches, and our fears.  And we all resided in a place of pure love.

It was easy there.

As our time came to a close we began to gear up.  There was work to be done.  There was commitments to uphold.  Not to the outside world, but within ourselves.  I ebbed and flowed between the excitement of a child with a new toy to be explored, to a passenger on a crashing plane bracing for impact.  I was scared.  I was fearful that I would fail.  I was fearful that my life would suck me back in to its numbing chaos.  Even with my fears bouncing off the walls of my mind, I felt a knowing that I had turned a corner and there was no going back.  On our last day together, a beautiful soul whispered in my ear, “I keep hearing, ‘Keep going, keep going.'”  It was what I needed.  It was precious fuel for my tank in case I began to run on fumes.

So here I am, days later.  Back home.  Back to the reality I have created.  I was not granted a warm welcome.  I was denied a welcoming of love and happiness. I look out the window now and it is snowing.  Much different than the rains of Costa Rica that washed away the heavy heat.  I don’t mind it.  I don’t mind the weather greeting my journey home with freezing temperatures.  It is all beautiful.  But I do mind the way my husband, the one who is supposed to love me unconditionally, greeted me.  Since my feet have landed onto US soil, I have been hailed upon by his insecurities.  He would not grant me his love and happiness until he felt secure in our relationship.  Only after an argument, only after him blowing off my feelings of disappointment in his reaction, did he try to turn around and express his happiness for me.  He does not hear me.  He does not listen to my pain.  He had flowers and a sweet card for me.  It meant nothing.  I wanted to laugh hysterically.  I could literally feel their emptiness for there was no love behind them.

So this has been my experience upon arriving home.  A barrage of insinuating and ridiculous questions.  A “love you” one minute, and anger the next.  My head is spinning.  As if on a hyper-speed roller coaster, I am desperately trying to reach up and grabbed my head, grab my heart and hold on for dear life.  Hold on to all I have experienced.  Hold on to all the love I was so freely given.  Hold on to the self that I am.

My throat has been sore since the day I arrived home.  I looked it up in Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life.  It states, “Holding in angry words.  Feeling unable to express the self.”  Yeah.  That pretty much sums it up.  Her book also says that the throat is where change takes place.  Whether it be resisting change, going through change or simply trying to change.  I am a bit of each, I suppose.  I am resisting dealing with my husband.  I am definitely going through changes within and it is a taking its toll.  It is work.  It is work waking up early to meditate.  It is work to calm the mind, set aside all the busyness and write from my heart.  However, I know it will get easier.  I know every little piece, every little crevice of my life will be better for it and so I continue on this path.

I feel I am gearing up.  Gearing up for battle?  I don’t know, but I do know I am not prepared to act on  my marriage right now.  I am not strong enough to go through a divorce again in this moment.  I need to build an internal army that will keep me strong, protect me, shield me and most importantly, guide me.  I am OK with this.  I will know when the time is right; I will feel it in my gut.  It will be loud and clear.  I have been there before and I will recognize it when it is time.  Now is time for me.  Now is time for me to grow in my awareness.  Time to look at everything with a renewed curiosity.  Time to connect with God, Source, the Universe, My Higher Self, call it what you like.  I have been away too long.  It is time to look beyond the veil, return home and…

“Keep going, keep going.”